Ok it is likely both.
I am being blessed right now with a change in perspective. About friends, about life, about myself. Things appear different and that is largely because I am different.
I won’t go into all the machinations of why and how and what caused it. I guess if you have been reading along, you can kind of figure it out for yourself. If you are even interested.
But it feels good, where I am. It isn’t some high pinnacle of self actualization that has raised me up above the fray, no, I am still in fray city quite often. But instead, I feel like I have gained insight and perspective, mostly into myself, and I how I show up for this life of mine.
Who I allow to take up my time.
Who I engage with and on what level.
What type of behavior I will accept from you.
What excuses I will make for your inconsideration, your lack of expression of value of me.
In short, how much and what kind of crap I will take.
None. I am out of the crap accepting business. And I don’t mean this in some sort of incessant declaration that really is just a prelude to me doing the same shit over again and calling it different. No, I mean serious fucking change. Like radical.
And it didn’t happen overnight and it isn’t really me driven. It has come slowly over time, with a great deal of pain, and honesty about myself, to myself. And it has revealed some rather ugly truths about the way I have lived. The people I have allowed to be close to me that were not really worthy of my time or attention. And it was wisdom born of pain. A great deal. A lifetime of waiting for those people to show up in my life that actually saw me and valued me.
Well the joke was totally on me. I had to see that there is absolutely no value that others can give you. The value in inherent. It comes from within and then, and only then, is radiated outward. Never the opposite. And I didn’t know that. I just didn’t know, I thought if I just loved you enough, that I would somehow be ok. And instead, what I became with every single time I gave you entrance to me or my life, when your actions showed you were not really interested or worthy or kind or caring, or, and this one has been my absolutely most painful one, available.
Scraps were fine. Anything was fine. Except that was a lie. A total fucking lie. That I made first to myself (because that is where all lies begin - within ourselves about ourselves) and then to you. And I see that now. I see it in a way that I can’t unsee it. Thank fucking God!
I had someone reach out to me yesterday. Someone whom at one point in time I really cared for. I was interested in. I really wanted him to care, to show up for me, to be there and give of himself. His time, his attention. To risk things for me, and perhaps the ever looming us. And I, in my head, granted him things, abilities that he has yet to show that he actually has. And I have been disappointed, repeatedly by his lack of willingness or perhaps ability to ever really demonstrate that he has these skills.
He appears to have been attending a fishing line for years. And yesterday decided to check the line to see if I am still there. Still interested. And of course, I am. I saw things in him that were worthy, valuable and meaningful. At least that is what I wanted to see. Whether those things are actual things, well, so far, have not been born out in reality.
But yesterday I didn’t bite the hook. I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t say, “ok, yes, please!” When he reached out, feebly, to see if I was still “there”. I saw that the man that I would give of my time, energy and self, would never make such a lame attempt. A man that was worthy of my time, my energy and attention would go bold, or go home. And for me, at least where I am today, anything less just doesn’t even perk my interest.
My life is amazing. I am amazing. And those days where I engage with you for way too long while you fail to see that, are done. I am content being alone. I am content with my life. I love who I am today and that, as it turns out, is more than enough. No Knights needed. No lame excuses for contact required. I am island unto myself and if you want to breach my shores, you are going to have to make a fucking effort. I am not easy to reach. And you will have to risk rejection, your ego and your safety. I am no longer open to weak minded people who are content to numb out and just exist. No bring me the life livers. Bring me the courageous fuckers who are willing to go after what their heart’s desire. Anything less, just count me out. Please.
I was never sure all that I was walking through was worth it. It felt like a lot, all the growth, all the change, all the grief and heartbreak. But I will claim today as a new independence from that all that work. I have arrived at some sort of new place, some new version of myself that is not interested in the bullshit that I put up with before. Grand gestures are required now. Because that is the life I am not only interested in living, but the one that I am actually living. I love this great big life, this one where I love me, and am strong enough in that love to no longer accept your crappy come ons and poor excuses. And fuck if that doesn’t feel amazing.
It is a fine day when you can see that the times have changed, but the thing that makes the most difference in the quality of your life, is you. You have changed. And that you are no longer the person you were, so you are no longer tethered to the life you lived. You are on the edge of the great wide open, of yourself.
Fuck, that is amazing. And I would have missed it. I am so incredibly grateful that I didn’t.
God, I miss her. My mantra "WWND?" What would Nina do? She would take no crap...that is what she would do.