Tiny Little Lives...Lost.
She didn’t make it. Despite all our efforts and attention, she just couldn’t survive. And my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am not sure how I came to love that tiny little girl with such ferocity and adoration, but I did. She was simply the tiniest little angel and I am better for having known her, however briefly.
This is hitting me hard. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this. I have cried quite a bit in the last few days since she passed on Sunday. I feel destroyed and sad and just wracked with guilt. Could I have done more? What could I have done that would have saved her? I will never know. The vet says I did all that was possible but that still isn’t good enough for me. I know, I am so very hard on myself, but it was her life that I was entrusted with and I feel so very much like I let her down.
I learned some things though in this all too brief love...
I learned that love doesn’t not require a great deal of time. Love is something that can just be there from the moment you meet another being. You can love this other being so much that you alter your life for them, take care of them, show up for them and try to make them as comfortable as possible. Love makes all that effort not feel like effort at all.
I learned that it is the action you take that matters. Intention counts too, but it is really what you do with love that changes you and them, and others.
I learned that sometimes being willing to say yes to rescue, breaks your heart open again and even with all the pain and sadness you feel, you never regret the rescue, or the effort. And you can even be grateful for the grief and loss because after a life time of not really being able to feel anything, you actually feel this one. Intensely.
I learned that in less than two weeks you can fall madly in love with another being and miss their presence in your life as if they were there for a life time. Every time I walk in my office, I get choked up because she isn’t there.
I didn’t want to write about this. I wanted her to go on living in all your minds. I didn’t want to have to face her being gone publicly. But she is worthy of two blogs in her honor. She is and was worth the pain of recollection.
I am so very sad and I just start crying randomly throughout the day. I cried twice yesterday and multiple times Monday and Sunday. And so it appears that will be my fate today since it is barely six am and I have been crying since I began this writing.
I am grateful for the tears and to be able to feel this giant loss. I am grateful for the time I got to be with her and to care for her even though I couldn’t save her. I am sadder for my effort but I know that helping wasn’t a mistake and she was worth all the effort. And I will do it again when called or asked.
I do not go around looking for animals in need of rescue. I stay away from the shelter because I have a hard time saying no. But they find me in their own ways and I accept that. And I will say yes every single chance I get. Because moving toward the risk of losing by loving is just never wrong in my experience. Just because the outcome isn’t what you wanted or needed or so desperately hoped for, doesn’t mean the love and care was a mistake.
I miss her and I grieve the loss of her. And I know that with great loss and grief there is great love. And while that is a lesson that I think I tried to avoid for so many years, I am grateful to learn it regardless. Loving never assures that that which you love will be yours forever. It only assures that your willingness to love grants you passage to new, unexplored parts of yourself. And hopefully, your love intended benefits from all the love sent their way.
I am grateful I was entrusted with her and I feel so very sorry that I was not able to save her. I do not understand why she had to go but I accept it. I accept it while I cry for her, mourn her and miss her every day.
Fare thee well, Little Girl. Thank you for the time you spent with us and know that we love you still. I pray you are at peace now, free from the pains of life. Thank you for your love and purrs, I miss them quite desperately.