I, like most people, have a tendency to live out there in the future, or in the past. But recently, I have found myself in each of the moments of my day. It has been just a bit unsettling...I have forgotten to do things that were important. I have not answered or returned calls. I have been so consumed with the moments I am in, that I almost feel like I have some sort of dementia. Like the present moment has grown so large that it is crowding out the rest of the moments that I always allow to control.
I was at first, alarmed...but then I just made the decision that I didn’t care what I forgot or what I didn’t attend to. Whatever I was doing got my full attention and that was better than me giving part of my attention to a whole bunch of things. But it did leave me a bit unsettled. I was so in the moment that I forgot about heartache, him, pain, issues I am having in relationships right now. I forgot about all of that and just breathed in the sunlight, sea air and time stilled. I was out on the water yesterday for three hours but it felt like I was there a lifetime. Each moment so full and complete that it felt like I was there an entire weekend. My daughter felt it too. We were both amazed at how current and present we were and how the time seemed to support our presence.
At one point in time yesterday, she looked at me and said, “you are the best mom I could ever ask for.” And instead of saying something or being uncomfortable with the compliment, I just looked at her. Stared into her beautiful face and saw this child who is no longer a child. Who is almost taller than me. Who is so much herself and ok with who she is. I looked at her for a few minutes and said, “thank you. That is the best thing anyone has ever said to me.” And I meant it.
After paddling our hearts out, we got Chipotle, ate it at the beach and took the dog on a long beach walk. We sat and watched the surfers catch wave after wave. The near misses and the waves owned by the surfer, however briefly. She bored quickly and wandered in the tide pools while the dog and I sat on the sandy shore watching the surfers align their will with universal wave will and become one, if only for a moment, with the almighty ocean.
When I got home last night, I was tired. Hungry and tired. We sat in the hot tub then watched a teenage angst ridden movie that was so apropos that it made us both a little uncomfortable.
My son finally surfaced from his room and wanted to spend some time with me, so even though I was exhausted and had already soaked in the hot tub earlier, I went again because it is so rare that he wants my company.
I retired, exhausted, I tried to read but my eyelids too heavy. I drifted away completely content with my life, my family, my day and my heart. I felt full and blessed and grateful. I think that being fully owned by the moment, takes a lot of courage. I did feel this uneasiness at times during the day like I should have been doing something else, checking in, reading texts...but I found that the uneasiness passed if I just breathed my way through it.
Turns out I am a big fan of the present moment. The here and now. The breath followed only by the next one. I have had an exceptional, spiritual weekend. Deepened in my love for the life that I have and no longer regretting the one that seems to have passed me by. I am here, living this one, and I am grateful.
Today looks beautiful from my bed as I write this. Spending my time in my morning, no plans, no hurry to get anywhere. Just content, to be sitting here, writing, drinking coffee while the day’s sunlight dances across my bed.
