Too Much...

Why are men rarely told they are too much?

I can’t remember one time, in the whole of my existence, where I felt or told a man he was too much.  Seriously, can you?  It just isn’t something we do.  It isn’t something that we are trained to think about, like at all.  

First, men are not out there trying all that hard.

Now, this obviously does not include all the men who are killing it in the love and romance department.  But most of the time, what I hear is that you are barely trying.  You might make a great deal of effort in the beginning but then you get comfortable and just stop trying.  You take the relationship for granted and then just tend to phone it in.  

This lackluster way of relating just never will cause anyone to tell you, “you are too much!”

Also, men do not tend to lead with feelings.  They are more of a you gotta know when to hold them and know when to fold them kind of person.  So they are not out there emoting all over the place and so are rarely told “you are too much!”

I have been told I am too much a great deal.  And I am not all that overly emotional.  I tend to be more man like in my emotional range.  I am not prone to great jags of crying or raging or whatever.  I just tend to think more than I feel.  Or at least that is how it comes out. My thinking has a tight reign on my feelings and my head is for sure in charge of all emotional outbursts.  And so, they rarely happen.

But I have been told a great deal that I want too much.  I expect too much.  The way I am is just too much.  Which has always left me feeling like, “why aren't you more?  Why is the way I am living life too much?  And why aren’t we discussing your lack of vitality, interest and intent?"

I think this whole “too much” thing is just a subtle form of abuse.  Meant to keep women from stepping out of their place in the relationship, society and the world.  Anytime you can find something that pretty much applies to only one gender, and it is only applied to females, it is a pretty safe bet that it is designed to keep us in our place.

I can remember my own father telling me that I was just too much.  That I wanted too much.  But he totally missed the point that I didn’t want someone else to give me what I wanted, I was not expecting someone else to come and give me all that my heart desired. No.  I planned on going out and getting it for myself.  All of it. The money, the career, the kids, the pets, the things.  All of it.  I wanted all of it and planned that I would get it all, for myself.

And I did.  So maybe I did want too much, but when is too much actually too much?  I mean I attained the goals, I got the stuff and I did the things.  When exactly was it too much?  I didn’t set many goals that I didn’t achieve.  I didn’t fail all that often.  I didn’t demand that which I wasn’t also willing to give.

Looking back, I think he meant I expected too much from men, him in particular.  And I can see, absolutely, that I have historically and ongoingly expected and wanted more than most men had to give.  This would be a very germane issue to why I am single.  I am not willing to settle for the half assed nature of what passes as acceptable in many relationships I see.  I do not not want to be in charge of everything and have my “partner” help me.  Let him be responsible for everything and how about I help him? Why is this not a more familiar dynamic?

In truth, I do not want that either.  What I really crave is a partnership.  Someone to be my equal in things.  A sharing of responsibility and duty.  I do not want to do certain things because I am female.  I am not innately better at things domestic because I am a woman.  I am not better at a lot of things because I am a woman.  I used to joke all the time and say what I wanted and needed was a wife.  I stopped doing that because that was such outdated thinking and rhetoric.  What I want, what I have always wanted, was a partner.

And the main reason why I do not have one is because so many men tend to think in terms of women being too much, or asking for too much.  Fuck, why would I be willing to step up and do all the things and have my partner’s back to only be let down repeatedly when the tide turns and I need help or a break or something?

Expectations surely are premeditated resentments.  And I have had a great many resentments in my life, a great number of them with the men who said they wanted to be my partner and then delivered up much less than they promised.  Dating and relationshiping for me has always resulted in me feeling like I was over promised and under delivered.  Which, again, is why I am single.  I cut that deal a number of times, and I just will not cut it again.

I want to be with someone who never thinks that I am too much.  That me being who I am is a gift, not a burden.  That my ability to tackle and conquer all the things, all the time, is motivating not demoralizing.  I want someone with equal energy and drive.  Someone who doesn’t want to just phone it in and then berate me for asking for the bare minimum.  And to be clear, after living with the King of almost nothing, I will never, ever do that again.

I am not sure why a woman doing all the things in her life, and asking the same in return is allowed to be considered too much.  Seems like just another way women are thwarted from being whole beings, from sharing a seat at the table, and from being able to find satisfaction in relationships.  And, of course, there is always the issue that we accept less so that is what we get.

I would like to alter the conversation between the sexes from where women are too much and ask for too much and men are not enough and offer way too little.  Can’t we fucking change this thought process to both our advantage?  Instead of being too much or not enough, why can’t we instead seek to find a good match in energy, zeal and drive?  Perhaps it isn’t about shaming our partners for all they are or aren’t, but instead accepting them for who they really are and allowing ourselves to be more evaluative about the person standing before us.  Do they have what it takes to match us lockstep marching towards forever?  No, they kindly step aside.

To me a partnership, any partnership, should be a loving match of equals who value their own effort expended and have the realistic expectation that their partner, on the whole, is going to be similarly effort producing.  No one has to be too much and no one would ever be not enough.  Each person is made better by the tension produced by both people showing up and giving their best, day after day with an unremitting desire to be the best version of themselves for the benefit of all concerned.  It isn’t about competing interests.  It is about support, concern, respect and an honest desire to see yourself, your beloved and the blessed union you have created soar.

And until I find that, I will be over here, being way too much and trusting that my way too much is just my way of wading through the masses and eliminating obstacles that will ultimately interfere with my living progress I am so committed to every single day.  Call it what you will...too much has become one of the best tools I have to identify and discard way too little.

Again, still...