Has this happened to you? You are just living your life, fucked up as it may be at times, when all of a sudden you see something, clearly, without limitation and you see this filter that has been sorting everything in your life. You never even knew it was there. I mean maybe you had an idea. Maybe you had a thought about it but it was just out of view.
This happened to me yesterday. I was just living my life, a little tired and wrung out so I was lounging by the pool reading. I became bored with that which almost never happens. So I got into the pool and floated around. I was home alone so there was no one here to bother me or interrupt the brain.
I watched the sky, crows flying to and fro, calling to each other in their plaintive cries. As I floated a string of thoughts began. One after the other, no effort, they just came, all lining up to reveal something that has been operational in my life for a very long time. I mean it has been effecting my life on a daily basis for like 40 years and I didn’t see it, couldn’t see it. I was being controlled, directed and it was totally invisible to me.
But as I floated in the pool yesterday, it was like my vision of myself became crystalline. I could see myself in the past and was able to stay with the thoughts to present day. It was amazing. As I looked, the opacities of the past became transparent and that which was obscured from view forever became clear. And through the transparency, I saw. I transparenseed.
Not to be overly dramatic. But it was amazing. At first it scared me. Then it baffled me. I guess I am still wandering around in the lost. This new insight a game changer, this I know, but I am not sure what to do with it. I am not sure where to take it, what to do and how to deal with it. I see it, so now I have to act upon it. What remains to be seen is how...
I think we all have this areas of opacity on in our lives. These places where we generally know there is some lurking issue, perhaps the same one over and over again manifest in some new way. And while we know it is there, it remains, sometimes for our lifetime, unclear. We see but cannot discern. We look but find no clarity. Like the clouding of our eyes with cataracts, we see but our vision becomes clouded slowly over time so we don’t even know how bad it is until the lens has become so marred that our vision and world view obscured.
Yesterday I saw this area of my life with such crystalline clarity. Whatever filters, lens, opacity formerly there, dramatically removed. And fuck was it bright. Not unlike, a patient recovering from cataract surgery feels when they take a look around and see the world with fresh eyes, eyes that are not clouded over. FUCKING BRILLIANT!
It was a bit unnerving to be honest. Amazing how much our minds will cling to a delusional past idea or belief, even when presented and confronted with the truth. So I sat there floating in the pool, literally swimming in the transparencies. Seeing for the first time all that had been clouded.
I am not sure what to do with the vision now revealed but I know that I can remain with it. I do not want to cover it up, bury it deep within the recesses of my mind. I know this awakening is for my benefit and the benefit of others. I feel that but at the same time I am not sure what to do with it. I am not sure how to fit it into my life. I am not sure where to place it or how to allow it manifest in its time.
I think first it is to discuss with my inner sanctum. To reveal to my most trusted people that which I now know. As usual, it will likely not come as a shock to them. Their response “ummm, yes, that is totally obvious and I have known that was happening for a very long time...you beautiful dumbass.” (They say stuff like that with all the love in their hearts...seriously). But they will also see that I am changed. The revelation something new to me and they will help me assimilate it into a working, breathing and living part of my existence on this path to wake the fuck up and live life alive, not marching towards death.
I am grateful for the transparensee. I am grateful for that which was clouded to now be clear. I am grateful to see that which I could not before. I also acknowledge that while this seems revolutionary to me now, I am likely right now delusional about something else...as this is life. We cannot see it all, all the time. But if we are persistent and dogged in our pursuit of knowledge about ourselves, we will come to know more. We can come to know the very complicated and interesting people we live with every single day...ourselves. And we can use this knowledge to appreciate others more. We can use this information to help another. And we can use this information to bring us closer to intimate connection with others.
And that has always been the goal. To connect first with God, then to ourselves then to others. That is, I think, the main purpose of our lives. To see, to apply and to give back all in an effort to live the courage of being who were are supposed to be so that we can be of service to God and all these other people wandering the earth. Soul insight is never solely for us, it is meant to be shared so that others can awaken too.