I want to be so much more together. I want to be able to take my own advice. I want to feel differently. I want so very many things. And perhaps that is part of the problem...I want.
I want and so I suffer. I am attached to people, to things, situations, outcomes and therefore I suffer.
I have been on this journey, a deep, abiding spiritual practice for a long time now and it is hard to accept that I feel like such a mess right now. It feels incongruent. It feels like it should be different. I should be further along. I should be able to rise above and persevere.
And I guess I am. It just sucks big time right now.
I know that no great change has ever come to me without a great deal of suffering and patience. And I have a great deal of suffering now, and very little patience.
I am at a crossroads...again, still. I have been here so many fucking times! I hate this fucking place. But I keep picking the jag that only loops right back around to here. I do it every fucking time. There are two paths and one only loops back to where I am currently standing. The other one leads off and away to places I have never been before.
I keep picking the loop path because I am afraid of the other. Where will I go if I do not keep repeating the same loop? What will become of me? Who am I without others? What do I do with myself when I am all I have left?
And that right there is the million dollar question...what do I do when I am all I have left? Do I loop endlessly to repeated heartbreak and humiliation? Or when I am what remains, make a different choice and allow that nagging persistent delusion to fucking sit on the sideline of my life.
I have been here before. Many times. I am tired. I am road weary and I need some self care and love and courage to take this other path that leads me up and away from this endless loop that keeps me forever stuck in the spiral of others.
The struggle is real but it is also not what I thought it was...it isn’t a struggle with him, or her, or even them, the struggle and the suffering is always mine. And it is really painful right now. Real and painful.
But I know that struggle contains the possibility of a different outcome. I know because I have taken the road never traveled in other areas of my life and so I can trust that, so far anyway, this real struggle has gotten me right here to this moment in time where I am here, hurting, but breathing in and out allowing for me to trust the process and diverge onto that new, scary and exciting path...
Really. Again. Still.
