You know when you have it. And you know when you don’t. There have been so many times in my life where I have attempted something, wanted something, dedicated the time and effort to someone or something, and no matter what I did, it just didn’t work out. Lane would be a prime example. But then there are other things, that no matter what I did, just seemed to move forward, even though I might screw it up, it just kept evolving and moving forward.
I think the difference in the two situations might be universal approval. Some things in life are just meant to be and others are not. It would be so great if we could know this and then get behind whatever is being universally supported. But that isn’t how life goes really...
Although I have begun to take stock and notice when something I am engaging in is just not working out. No matter how much effort, resolve, footwork I might dedicate to something, it just doesn’t seem to garner this universal support or approval. So I am learning (slowly) to just let that shit go. Sometimes it is hard, when it is something that you need to support yourself, or a love relationship where you have dedicated so much time and energy. But I am learning to pay attention to those things that garner universal favor and those things that do not.
The funny part is that I always think that I know which way it is going to go. I am sure that “this” is the right way or thing and “that” is the wrong way or thing. And sometimes I am actually right about that...
But more often, I am wrong. I am totally guilty of pouring so much effort onto and over something that I should have just walked right by.
Currently, I am feeling very universally supported in my relationship and my new vocation. I feel a little weird about putting it out there...as my old idea of not really ever owning good feelings, still lingers and makes me feel like I am tempting fate. But again, that is another old idea.
Today, I am learning, so very slowly that life is good, no matter how painful the lesson. There is always something to learn even when I am tilting at the windmills of life again and losing, badly. Universal support is a great teacher whether you have it or don’t. I think that I claim today that I am getting better at realizing those ideas, plans, things in my life that I want but just do not have the universal support or approval that I need to work it all out.
It is never easy to have a head full of steam, a heart full of passionate devotion and to then realize that every single message you are getting back is telling you that it just isn’t going to work out...whatever it is. And I can always feel it. I am just very stubborn and refuse to give up. Today, I see the skill of surrender being one of my most valuable assets.
I may never know what the future will or might hold, but I am learning, that universal support or approval really does give you a head’s up if you are paying attention. And those things that do not garner universal favor can be just left where they lay, and I can move on.
My new career is really beginning to take off and no one is more surprised than me. I am shocked and amazed. And grateful. So fucking grateful. I feel this well of gratitude, this feeling of being useful and taken care of which I am pretty sure is the feeling you get when you suspect that you have universal backing...
I have done so many things in life. New jobs, new relationships, new locations and new starts. And today I know that the feeling I get when I am lined up with the universe feels very different than when I am placed in a position to be at constant odds with pretty much everything. It used to feel good to rebel, to fight, to struggle. And I am not sure if I am just getting old and slowing down, or if I have been reoriented to life. I know today what feels supported and loved. And I know what doesn’t. I can’t always make the about face at the moment I need to, but I am doing better about staying open to the messages I receive from the universe.
And once open, I have a prayer to hear whether my newest idea, plan, scheme or interest is going to be something that makes me or breaks me. And then to take it one step further and learn whether I am supposed to learn by surviving myself or whether the lesson is more about me stopping and changing course.
What I know today is that if I do the things that bring me closer to myself and God, I will always receive that which I need to know. And if I need proof, all I need do is look around my life to see where the resistance is, where I am struggling. And right there I am always shown that which feels unknowable. Those things the universe wants, happen. And those things that it does not, will not flow. No matter what I do or say or plead or beg.
It has taken me a long time to get here, but it feels good now. Universal approval underscores an ability and love for myself and for others. And even someone like me can understand the difference...
