Relationshiping is hard...and wonderful. Why is it that we spend so much of our single time dreaming of the day when we are happily partnered with someone, then once we actually are, by some miraculous divinity, we find ourselves feeling a bit lost on our old habits and routines?
I am a creature of habit. Always have been. I like to do certain things at certain times. I like the predictability of life and that happens to be best when I am in a routine.
Whenever I have something interrupt that routine, whether it is good or bad, I feel a little out of sorts. Like I am betraying myself in some way by letting go of the old routine, even if what I have now is far better than what I had before.
My new relationship is amazing. He is amazing. We are amazing together. It is all like a dream really. A wonderful dream that I do not want to wake up from...but even with all this Mc Dreamy Steaminess...I still find myself a little forlorn for my old routines.
I know it will even out over time and that I do not want to miss this beginning part (it is usually the best part!). But I also was single and alone for so long that my morning mantras and habits being rearranged excited this stickler for details inside my head that doesn’t like the change, well to be fair, she doesn’t like any change so this is would be annoying whether the change was good or bad!
Making room in your life for a relationship is not something that should come hard. It should be joyous and mine is. But I would be lying if I didn’t own that a part of me feels like I am not being true to myself by letting my daily writing practice become more of a weekly writing practice...
I haven’t been writing every day because let’s face it - I am waking up next to this amazing, hot guy every day and I would much rather hang with him and drink coffee and, well you know, than write. Also, it is hard to write about being happy...that is pathetic to say, I know. But writing about being heartbroken and sad is easier to write about. It doesn’t feel like you are begging the universe for a comeuppance, but fuck, writing about happy sure does feel like I am asking for a smack down!
And I will acknowledge that is super fucked up. I can write about all the sad, horrible, despondency evoking shit, but happiness, a good relationship, falling in love, that seems like I am just asking to get whalloped good!
And then there is always the possibility that I am just not happy unless I have something to complain about...
And I supposed there are arguments to be made for that in my life...
But I guess what I really want to state clearly is that I am happy. For the first time in a long time. And yes, there is this part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to fall...but there is also this part of me that is just too busy being fucking happy to give a shit.
The elusive and intermittent balance concept...never being completely even - always a bit too much of this or a little too little of that.
So today, I am just gonna own that there is a lot of unmanageable wonderfulness going on and I am fucking swimming in it. And I am writing less but I am living more and that seems to be what life is all about. I have done more traveling in the past few months than I have in years. And having someone to go on adventures with makes them so much more enjoyable. I do not think I have ever had such a good time with someone. We laugh and so far anyway, we are too busy having the time of our lives to care too much about all the routines that we are currently allowing to remain intermittently attended.
I am still going to the gym and I am still writing and praying and meditating and yogaing but those things are admittedly taking a back seat to spending the time, the front time, with him and all that he adds to my life...
I am not sure that I will ever have that feeling that something bad is about to happen leave...at this point, I am pretty sure that is just what living feels like. For now, I am over here, loving, living and being amazingly happy, content with my variable existence. I know this too shall pass because everything does. And I am not going to spend any more time feeling badly about my rigid workaday schedule being interrupted by all this miraculous stupendousness...no, I am just going to take my time, live my life in each blessed day and count my lucky stars that this is the life that I get to have...and that he is in it!