I am unsure. I haven’t written in the last two days because I have been afraid to post anything. Afraid of what people will say, afraid that I will hurt feelings, afraid that I will say something that will cause further harm.
I posted something recently that hurt a few people. That was not my intention and honestly, I didn’t really think it through. It was my truth and that injured others. The manner in which I did it and what I actually said. I regret that. I never want to hurt anyone. Seeing how much I did, caused me to pull back into myself and refuse to write out of fear that anything that I might say now will just greaten the divide.
Seems like I am here a lot in my life. What is true for me, hurts others. I never intend for my actions or words to hurt or wound, well almost never. Certainly not in this case. I was trying to sort through complicated emotions that I felt, and this is where I do that. I am still not sure why I do it publicly. I just know that I have found salvation in my written word, and have helped others along their path with my willingness to share and be vulnerable.
I am unsure where to go now. Anything I say is subject to criticism and if I really stopped to think about it too much, I would never put anything out into the world because someone is going to not like it, be hurt by it or angry with me for my opinion or actions.
I am writing today to reclaim that I want to be real more than I want anything else. And you who read my stuff, get to decide from your perspective whether or not this feels real to you. And I get to put it out there and claim it as real as I can be right now.
I have considered stopping the blog. So much hurt it has caused, inadvertently. I can stop publishing, but continue to write. And that may happen. I am, as I said, unsure.
I know that I have lived every day of my life up to recently thinking (over thinking) how my actions might cause injury or pain to others. I know that I suffered because I was more willing to suffer than to cause you pain. I know that me being me often does not give others what they want. And while I am sorry for that, I have to be this person, whoever the fuck that is right now.
I deeply regret hurting those that I did. And I can see that my post caused irreparable harm. And I am sorry. And for now, I can see nothing to be done that will remedy the divide that I created. And I am unsure about that as well...
Seems like at 52, 27 years sober, that I should be more sure, not less. But I am not. I truly have no idea what I am doing. For the first time ever in my life, I am being led by something other than my head or my heart. I don’t expect everyone to understand something that I am only beginning to comprehend...
I am learning at least right now that I have to be ok in the uncertainty. That things change. I change. People change. Life is just one series of changes one after the other. And I am here doing my best to be present, authentic and real. Even when that injures others. Most often a byproduct, rarely an intention.
So today I swim in the uncertainty of my life. Of my tenacity, of my ability to be present, to love without strings even when circumstances lead me away from people that I care for and love. I am doing my best. Even now as I fail and founder and screw things up.
What I am getting is that there is a lot of growth in my willingness to be uncertain. To act and move forward without a net so to speak. Leaving behind the codependency of my past and forging a brave new future that is built on principle and self care. I wish that I had a path that would spare myself and everyone else pain. So far, I only seem to have found a path that increased others...and that makes me sad and scared and full of regret.
I cannot resolve it though. Unsure is where I am right now. And for today, that is just going to have to be ok. Regardless of how much things appear terrible to me or even others, I am doing my best.
I made a commitment to tell my version of the truth here and that is what I have done. I am going to keep posting, because this is my outlet, this is my craft, this is mine. And to those that I hurt, please know that I am sorry. I will do a better job going forward of thinking through my actions with other’s feelings in mind.