I am not a good waiter. I am much better at immediate gratification. I do now really well.
“Do this now”
“Get this now”
“Achieve this now”
Now.
Waiting and Now are not really congruent I am finding out.
Turns out that I really hate waiting. For anything, ever. It feels tortuous. It feels hard and unsettling. It feels like punishment if I am really honest.
But I have learned amazing things by waiting. Amazing things have come to pass because I was able to hold myself down and just wait.
I described myself the other day like a dog on a choke chain...and that is exactly how it feels. I am always pulling, striving, doggedly pursuing _____. In the end, perhaps, I will learn to walk on the leash like a well-behaved dog. For now, I am still feel like a strong willed dog determined to decide how and where the walk will go. And God is back there holding the leash, not so mildly irritated at my lack of obedience...
And that is why waiting feels like punishment. I am not content to walk the road I am on, with the current parameters. I want to be over there, or way over there and am struggling, wholly missing the beautiful walk that I am on.
This is not every day but I am there today. Pulling hard at my leash, really wanting to break free from any tether and run head long into something else...which I know only brings misery and heartache.
How do I know this?
Life time experience of flexing my will.
I have been told to wait. And I have been to the best of my ability...it has been months and I am tired of waiting. I just want to decide that the waiting is over and get universal support that agrees with me.
But that isn’t how the world works and it isn’t how it is going to work for me...and I know this so why do I continue to struggle?
I know that I have learned and changed and grown so much in the last few months of wait. Gained access to parts of myself and others that I had never been able to before. And yet, I am still on that fucking choke chain pulling hard in this direction or that...desperately trying to pull myself into any new reality where I am not being asked to fucking wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Fucking Wait.
I hate it. I am tired of it. And yet I know that it is where I am and it is not supposed to be different.
I have a great life. I am content most of the time. I am in some physical pain today and that is affecting everything else. So today I focus on all that I lack rather than all I have been given.
As I was told this morning, I am throwing a spiritual tantrum...I want what I want when I want it and I am tired of fucking waiting!
But wait I shall because there is nothing else to do with grief. You can’t outrun it or change it or be done with it just because you are tired of it. You just have to sit with it and make it a cup of tea and let it teach you what it is here to teach.
If I am really honest, I am afraid of it. Afraid that if I sit with it any longer it will consume me and I will be wholly changed, altered to a point where I cease to exist...and I find myself wondering, would that be a bad thing? What if I allowed the change to come? What if I allowed it all to just be different, what if I gave up my black and white thinking and just allowed the grey to take over?
What if I just waited a little while longer? Maybe just today. And allow the issues, troubles and concerns of tomorrow be tomorrow’s problem?
Sigh...
So today I guess I wait...I hang in there and just do the next thing. One foot in front of the other. Allowing myself to be the most important person in my life while at the same time, attempting to be of service to others...waiting for some divine guidance to the next place, the next opportunity I am given to get to know you, or me, or some lesson I have been stubbornly avoiding. Waiting. Always waiting for more to be revealed.
I hate it honestly, it feels hard and pointy and incongruent with what I want. But I have been here before a million times and leaping into something else to avoid the waiting has never changed the wait game...not even one time.
So today I wait, for what I have no idea. I just sit here and wait and try to allow my spiritual tantrum to pass...
