Waiting on the Sun...
I have been procrastinating...which isn’t like me at all. Lately, it is like I don’t even know myself anymore. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is good thing.
Saturday, I finally sat down and worked on my website for my coaching and mediation practice...finally. I literally have avoided working on it for six months now...six months!
I was able to...and there are a lot of reasons for that...but the main reason is that I was able to talk myself into it because I was waiting on the sun...all day. It is almost never not sunny here. Like almost never. And apparently, as I have believed to be true for years, I am not able to be idle with that blaring star all ablaze. The atoms of my body and mind are activated and I must comply...with equal energy and spirit.
But Saturday, if the weather could be a liquid - the sun was almost wholly absent and made the day molasses like...unlike its liquidity of heat and shine most days. So I was able to talk myself into working on the website while I waited for the sun to make an appearance.
The joke was on me because the sun didn’t appear...not once.
The day was languid and droopy. And my mood was contemplative and furtive. And I have found that perhaps the secret to my future success is that I need fouler weather. Supine days are really made for brain work, inner work. And I took full advantage. Full. Advantage.
And now I have a website that actually has content instead of gobbledegook. AWESOME!
It isn’t done, need the graphic artist Alex to do her thing...but that will come in time.
The best part is that I confronted a fear while waiting on the sun that decided to skip September 10th all together...
See I have been putting this off because I have been doubting myself. So beat up recently by past work environs that I really felt like I was nothing. How can I help others when I myself am faltering? I cannot sell that which I don’t believe, it just isn’t in me. So it has taken me the better part of six months to land on some rightsizedness. I am not what I do. I am a complex, multilayered person who loves, lives and breathes for things other than work. Work is a part of my life...not the whole of it. And I can see very clearly now how I had that totally out of whack for many years.
While I waited for the sun, in the shadowy gloominess of my office, I found a part of myself that I tucked away, dare I say “saving it for a rainy day?”
Well it rained today. In Ojai. Like for several minutes in a row. In any other place, it would not be elevated to the status of rain. But here, it could even be called a downpour...brief though it was.
What I found was that I like who I am. Not all the time, certainly. But right now today, I feel like I can help people. I read through some commentaries on a recent writing post and felt buoyed by the “atta girls” and “please keep writing” shoutouts. They reminded me that I am more than what others think of me. And that goes both ways, the good things people think and also the not so good. So the past matters less than what I am doing with myself right now. Today, I set aside doubt and fear and judgment and began anyway. I put myself out there again, sure maybe to be rejected or ridiculed or just plain ignored. Whatever. There are always some people who can hear me, see me, love me. And I am so grateful to you, those amazing, wonderful people who believe in me when I can’t really see anything worth believing in anymore.
So the website is launched...check it out. It is pretty cool, and I can say that because I literally did very little! My friend Greg Hirsch gets the credit on this one! He is amazing if you need a web designer...
And so we begin a new...and all it took was a day for me to wait for a sun that never came.