I have some hard things going on in my life right now. A lot of loss. Ongoing, small, then not so small things, people, situations and life events that I am being asked to let go of, repeatedly and now it appears ongoing.
And like always, I have struggled mightily with this process. It is hard to allow what is supposed to come to take the place of what I want to happen. Always. I am not sure that I have the spiritual bandwidth to ever get to a place where this will be different. I mean, I will keep trying, and likely failing, but I endeavor to keep trying.
What I am sitting with today is how sure I am about how things are supposed to be, even though this thought only comes when I am mired in controversy over some situation in my life that is clearly not going the way that I think it should...
Whatever is happening is supposed to be happening. One would think that I would have gotten this lesson by now. But, I haven’t and, in my defense, it is a hard one!
I am not sure where I got an idea that things were supposed to be other than how they are, but I did. I know I am not the only one, I think this might just be human nature. However “normal” it might be, it doesn’t make it any easier to grapple with...
Today I am trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it should be, I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, being who I am supposed to be. I am living this life, as it unfolds in front of me. The only real difference is this persistent idea that things should be other than how they are...and with that thought comes the shield, the barrier, the fortress of denial. The ability for me to deny reality and avoid the painful process of letting go of things that are not meant for me. Or accepting the things that are here, currently aflame, that are requiring my attention.
I am a good alcoholic, I want to evade all of the negativity and only feel the pleasure. I want to be on the other side of hard conversations, difficult situations and know the end result. But there is never a true end result until we are dead. And I am not ready to die today, so I will have to find a way to live peacefully and comfortably within the skin I am in, with the issues that I have, the hardships, the peaceful abidings, the life that is here for me in this moment.
Sometimes we fight the good fight and lose. This fact comes hard for me. I am used to fighting and winning. I am used to really winning at life. Arrogant to say, but my life really has been an ever evolving success story. Not in riches and fame, thank God! But in the inner processes that cause me to morph, change and deal with me, defects and all.
Today I am going to change a situation that has long been an issue for me. One that I have remained relatively silent about, one that has caused me a loss of sleep, weight, emotional balance, physical health and the like. I am throwing open the door today and taking the next step. It feels right. It feels like I have my own back. It feels like it is time. And I feel good about my decision. I am not sure how others will take this decision. I am not sure how my decision will impact others. I know that my intent, my only intent, is to be responsible for myself. To make these changes with grace and dignity. To deliver my decision to those who need to hear it with kindness, respect and firmness. How they react is up to them, not me.
I would love to say that I am taking this new step without fear, but that would be a lie. I am totally afraid. I am terrified actually of what will happen but as much as I am afraid, I know that I am doing the right thing, for me. And in the end, this is all I am responsible for. Me. My thoughts, actions, deeds and way of being in this world. I want to make this change with dignity and respect for all involved. But if that is not possible, then I want to hold it for myself. I want to be gracious and dignified. I want to move forward, holding my own hand, trusting myself and this long overdue decision.
It is not easy to let go, most especially of something that one worked hard and long to achieve. It is not easy to make a decision that will affect every single area of my life going forward. It is not easy. But it is necessary and I know that today. I owe myself and I guess others the duty of being who I really am and with this particular situation, I am done. I can see now that I have been done for some time, I just couldn’t admit that to myself. I thought there was some fight left in me, but there isn’t. All there is to do now is walk away.
Life is so funny. Such an interesting ride. I forget that so often. So afraid of making a mistake, which is even more hilarious because I make them all the damn time. Mistake after mistake, after mistake. And guess what, none of them have proved to be fatal. Not to me, not to anyone else either. Even at my worse, I have lived a life that has not been excessively harmful to others. I have always lived in a way that has thought of others, now when I was drinking, I thought of you, but I had no real ability to put your needs first. I was just a loose canon and was all over the place, chasing whatever felt good. Today, this process has gotten harder, not easier. Because I care about others, their thoughts, feelings and well being, more than I used to, this has kind of become my own prison at times. Letting others needs, wants, and desires trump my own. And this is a nice place to hide out if you want to avoid responsibility for your life.
But as much as this next step scares the fuck out of me. It is time, I need to make this change. And I accept responsibility for the good, bad and ugly and the beautiful that will follow. It is my path. And I have no desire to cause any harm to anyone, but to continue to walk this particular road, would be damaging to me. And I cannot do that to myself anymore.
It has taken me a very long time to arrive at a place where I can see that to move on, to change, to become a different me, I sometimes have to let others down. I sometimes have to eschew their wishes and desires for me to be other than how I am. But I am not a shapeshifter, I am not someone who can just become whatever others need or want her to be. I can’t because I have written myself down every day, holding myself accountable to myself, about myself, for myself and I am completely changed.
All this writing and pouring myself onto this screen has resulted in my internal being born out...I am able to be authentically me today. Not the person that I want to project, not her. She is not real. She is not me. She is just a bunch of codependent issues all wrapped into a woman who is terrified to own her own life. Her attributes, her failures, her successes, her defects. And today, as I walk down a path that I cannot see the ending of, I am ok with all of it. All the stuff, all the consequences, seen and unseen. I am ok with whatever happens next.
And while I wish beyond all wishes that this next step land me in a better, more evolved version of myself, I know that that wish right there is what propels me onward. Forward. Marching to my own drum. And it matters not at all that anyone else can hear the beat, drum or even see the path beneath my feet. It matters only that I see it, I feel it and I know in my heart that whatever comes next is what is right for me.
And the only thing that I owe anyone else in this life, is to give them the unadulterated version of myself...whether they like it or not. Their approval is none of my business. None.
And so I begin a new letting go process, I move myself forward, having done a lot of inner work to arrive at this place. Trusting, believing and honoring that still quiet voice inside me that says, “You can do this! Letting go will always be painful, but never as painful as holding onto situations, people and places that no longer serve you.”
It is always our own life. And usually, we are the only ones that are in our own way. but the path is ours to walk, always.