What Happens Next?

I have no fucking idea.  And I am ok with that.  Really.  I am.

I had a friend in from out of town and she was asked by another friend a question about finances.  And my friend replied, “I don’t worry about the money.  God takes care of the money.”

It was a much larger conversation but the take away for me was that I felt the same way.  I really don’t worry too much about the money.  I mean, I do, sometimes, I think that is just human nature.  And that fear is motivating, gets me unstuck and out of my own way.  But most of the time, I just have faith that it will all work out.  Everything will be ok.  Really.

I used to really need or want to know what was going to happen next?

What would happen with my job?

When would I meet “him”?

When would I get the life I wanted?

And I have arrived at a place in my life where I am just ok and happy pretty much no matter what.  It all works out, it always has, and I am currently living my best fucking life.  

Today, I don’t know what will happen with my career.  But I can feel the universe shifting and bending underneath me.  My book comes out this fall and I just believe that is going to open new doors for me.  It is going to be something that takes me in a direction I never thought possible.  Once upon a time, I would have felt very weird about saying that, but now, I just can feel that something amazing is about to happen.  And the old me that would have thought, “don’t put that out there, you are just asking to be humbled!”  She is still there, lobbing her negativity all over the place, but I just listen to her, tell her I know she is afraid and then move right along with my life feeling pretty good about my future.

“Him”. Fuck I don’t know anymore.  I am landing in a space that is comfortable alone.  I am still dating, but I have given up the ideas of happily ever after.  I am just content living my life, meeting new people and savoring the people who God sends into my life.  I don’t have to meet “him”.  I just get to live this life and do whatever I want.  I have confidence if God wants me to have a “him” I will.  And if that just isn’t in the cards for me, that is cool too.  I do not have a way about this whole love and loving thing anymore.  I have so much love in my life that it just doesn’t really matter anymore.

I have the life I want today.  In this moment, right now, there is absolutely nothing I need or want.  I am in my bed, cats zooming around, fucking rooster crowing, full of all the fun and fellowship I had this weekend, looking forward to my home group and seeing another friend for the third day in a row and then spending the afternoon at home, resting and recharging.  My life is fucking amazing and I am so very grateful.

What happens next is that I live.  Each moment as fully as I can.  Loving, living each experience as fully and completely as I possibly can. My life is so good, and the old me, that used to fear saying shit like that out of terror that I would invoke a WWF inspired God smackdown, is mostly gone.  Sure there is a twinge, but that is old stuff and I know it.  I know, with absolute certainty, that God wants me to be sober, happy, joyous, free, of service, and living the best life.  Each moment I get to live in celebration of all I have been given, the more God feels like giving me to enjoy.

Hardship has absolutely been the pathway to peace.  And I, today, am even grateful for the hardships.  Every single one of them has been an opportunity to evolve, grow, change and live more deeply.  Without any one of them, I would not be this person, sitting in her lovely home in Ojai, taking a personal inventory of just how fucking blessed she is.  I wouldn’t trade any of it, not one single moment!  Because I like the trend.  And what happens next?  I seriously have no idea, but whether it be a delightful surprise or a horrible tragedy, I know that I don’t have to do it alone, that I will be given everything I need to move forward and that I am lovingly held and deeply loved.

Again, still...