I have written about this before but it has been awhile and I need the reminder.
Right now there is nothing wrong. I have everything I need and most of what I want. There are of course a couple of things that I would prefer were different...like I wasn’t sick, again! I will not complain...oh shit, I just did.
For the most part, everything is good in my life. I have enough, more than enough of everything. I spent most of the day yesterday with my daughter. We had errands to run and she got her driving permit, finally! So excited for both of us. She drove home and she did a great job. She is always so capable and in charge, it was somewhat surprising to see her nervous. But then I remembered, everyone gets nervous. Even her.
I believe there is this strain grown up in me...one that insisted and needed for there to always be something wrong so that I would have something to talk about. Like everyone I knew when you asked how they were, would tell you something wasn’t going well. And I think I took that and ran with it. I was and still can be very capable of manufacturing drama out of nowhere. I have gotten better. But I have seen myself in a new way lately...
I realized that I have been saying for years that it isn’t my drama, it is other people’s drama and I am just this innocent bystander...but that is not true. Like at all. I have allowed or sought after these people in my life. These drama bringers. And have collected them like stamps or coin collections in my life. Allowing them to take up space, and time and energy and money in some cases. And I always shrugged off the negative consequences of these kind of people in my life as if it weren’t mine to own. As if their presence in my life had nothing to do with me...but now I have come to see it differently.
I see that I have been a collector of drama queens in my life. Allowing people to have access to me who do not have their shit together, who are a mess emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually. And I have had poor and moveable boundaries where they are concerned. I have also eschewed responsibility saying very arrogant things like “it isn’t MY drama,” or “I am not dramatic it is just those around me that are...” Forever failing to see that I am the gatekeeper in my life, so if I am surrounded by a whole bunch of toxic, crazy people, that I am in fact crazy also because I am the fucker that let them in to begin with...
And I have also examined why I have allowed this. And it is a twofold answer...
One, I have confused drama for interesting for like, forever. Allowing these dramatic, broken people a place in my life because I thought the excitement was what made life worth living. Now I just see it as a drain, like opening a vein and watching all my lifeblood, money, energy and time just get wasted on the floor.
Two, I didn’t really know that I had a choice. I have been very poor in my selection of people. Mostly taking the ones who will have me. I don’t feel that I have poor self esteem but if you look at my behavior and what I will accept, you will see my own lack of worth all over the fucking place. And it is always people who need something from you that will flatter, love, attend, show up and be there for you. So it is easy to mistake need for want. I have gotten this wrong for a very long time, to my own pain, confusion and sadness. And consternation, can’t forget that one!
Anyway, I see that I have all these dramatic people in my life because I have allowed it and because I haven’t felt like I have another option. Today when I look around, I see that I have been doing some relational housecleaning for the past two years and have been making great headway. I have walked from relationships that I maintained at great personal costs for almost a decade. I walked from people I loved and depended upon even though they were not dependable, no matter how hard I tried to make them be, or present they were. I have walked away from a great deal over the past two years. And recently, I have had to walk again because I didn’t see the most recent one coming...and all the red flags were there just waving and waving and waving. And I ignored all those fuckers.
I am not sure why I have this ability, and trust me it is a well honed skill in my arsenal for living, that I can just push aside all that I see in you that is dangerous, has the potential to maim and injure me, all that is likely to cause me strife, heartache and pain, I can just push that shit aside and tell myself nothing wrong here...and I can be wrong repeatedly.
So the question “What if nothing is wrong?” Is a hard one for me because I tend to ask it and use it incorrectly, repeatedly.
I do not need to be interesting by creating drama in my life, I do not need to be in constant chaos to make me feel alive and well and like there is something going on that is worth living for...I do not need that. But I can see how I have allowed my fear that nothing is wrong to be a strong pull of those whose lives are a mess or in upheaval. I don’t see the warning signs because I don’t want to or I won’t slow down enough to allow all that I see, all that is readily available and obvious, to actually sink in. Moving at top speed does wonders for allowing bad decisions because you can’t really see all the minute details if I am cruising through life at Mach 10 speed.
So there is nothing wrong in my life, except I am sick again which is pissing me off. But it is a cold and compared to some other’s diagnosis this week, I am very fucking happy to have this cold.
But I do see how I choose to fail to see the wreckage in other people’s lives and fail to heed that as a warning. Instead allowing them further entrance to my life as if it isn’t my decision...I am not sure whose I thought it was, but I can tell you that I was absolutely sure it wasn’t mine.
But today I see my fault and myself in all that comes to fruition in my life, I am not a passive participant who just sits around waiting for something new to happen...no, I am an active participant, even if that action is just allowing the dramaramas to land close and jockey for position in my life. I am still the one who is allowing even if I have historically called it something else.
So there is nothing wrong, except perhaps that I still have some worth work to do. I can see that now. I don’t like it and feel like I should be further along with this, but the latest events of my life tell me that isn’t true. And I am far enough along to see that now.
Again.
Still.
