So said Rilke. (German poet and sage).
And so it would seem. This has been born out of my existence. I guess my most and real fundamental issue is that I refused to believe the above, or heed the warning contained therein for, well, ever.
I think I always saw my inner landscape as something that should be rewritten, or repainted, or changed in some manner. That whatever was happening in my innermost self was something that I needed to hide from others. It was not acceptable dinner conversation and in fact, there was almost no one I could trust with it.
And in some perverse way that was because I assumed no one would get it. And that there was no one I could trust with it. Seeing how most people were either too dumb (I know, amazing how arrogant I can be) or too conventional or some other decision I arrived at without really having all the facts. In short, I didn’t trust myself to trust you with who I really was.
That was actually quite painful to say. Due to seeing the arrogance in my admission and because perhaps, I see, for the first time, that my judgments about others have likely kept me from a more real and lasting relationship, perhaps more than anything else in this world.
Seeing as I felt like I had to defend my interior, not share it, it became very secret like. Something for me to keep from you. And so it was very hard for me to dedicate my entire love to something that I felt like I needed to hide from you. I mean, how can you love something you feel shame about?
So my lifetime really was about hiding, covering and sidestepping intimacy and realness and even though I never intended it, love. Love for myself and love for you.
It has taken decades, a great deal of therapy and a lot of living, loving and losing for me to arrive at this quote and its meaning. To see that what roils beneath my exterior, this happening in my innermost personage is and always has been worth my entire love. I would say I am not sure where I got it so wrong, but I know exactly where and why I did.
And that is one of the hardest things...it wasn’t innate. It wasn’t something that grew up in me organically. It was something given to me by others. Things that never knew, until recently, that I could have refused to accept those alleged "gifts" which were no more than passable scars. They were not gifts at all, more like mantles I would carry for the whole of my life, fucking up me, my relationships and the like. It never occurred to me that the things given by others were something I could reject outright and completely. And while I see that now, there is an awful lot of life that has been colored, shaped and altered by those stupid fucking “gifts” that were really scars healed over.
So I move forward badly scarred but healing. Always healing. And my relationship to the above Rilke quote demonstrates that lifetime healing journey, that awful things happen that alter you forever but there is always a new opportunity to move past, through and over the scars that remain.
Healing isn’t something that comes easily. At least not to me, and not to others in my observation. Healing takes work, and effort and an ability to withstand a fair amount of pain and a great deal of discomfort. And I hate the discomfort more than the pain. And I think many people just choose to numb out because they don’t know how to heal or that it is their work to do. Many believe it is others work to do for them. And I will fully admit, that while I didn’t know that I believed my healing to be someone else’s responsibility, I acted that way for years. I know better now.
And I know what it feels like to only seek to numb the pain and discomfort, I did that a great deal also. But what I think today’s quote is really challenging us with is to own the whole inner landscape of ourselves and bring to it our entire love, our entire attention, and only with those things can we possibly move towards healing and change.
What occurs within us will always have a deep and lasting impact on who we are in this life. Operating and emanating a deep and abiding love for this misguided, broken, hollowed out, healing being is perhaps one of the most beneficial and worthwhile projects of any life. To bring the entirety of your loving capacity to the entirety of your being. Not just the passable parts, or the ones you claim are socially acceptable. But the demonic, subversive, angry festering parts so needing that entire love more than any other part of you, ever. And so worthy of the entirety of your love and loving.
As with most lessons I am learning at this place in my life, I really wish I would have seen this, learned this, been able to assimilate it earlier. But I know all too well that the lesson comes when the student is ready. And because I really have no other choice, I am grateful to have it now. I am grateful to have it at all.
Again.
Still.
