What to Do with Pain?

Well, I used to get fucked up!  But, that is blessedly no longer an option.  I mean, I guess it is always a choice I have.  Just not one that seems like a good idea anymore.  Crazy that my previous reaction to pain was to behave in a way and manner that would create more pain, but I did.  Repeatedly.

I think I grew up believing that there was a “right” way to live, and that “right”way was always happy and pain free.  And if pain came into my life, it meant that I was not living “rightly." I do not believe that anymore.  Instead, I have come to accept that pain is just part of living.  No matter how well I am doing in this life, there is always going to be pain.  And while I am not pain’s hapless victim, I do totally see that I still sign up for pain in my life. I also see that sometimes pain is just the cost of living.

The last two days were painful.  Hard.  Gut wrenching.  Sad.  Hurtful.  But there was really no other way it was going to go down.  I could have chosen to do nothing.  Which would have only resulted in more pain for all involved.  Instead, I chose to stop the situation from recurring which was hard, painful and made me so full of fear.  

Now I get to sit with what I did and what that action cost and the fear that things will never repair.  And I do not like that one bit.

But I also understand that to continue the way I was, was dishonest, unfair and not serving anyone involved.

I was busy yesterday which was good, but then I got home and was alone and all I felt was the pain.  And it felt heavy and depressing.  But instead of allowing that feeling to just pin me to my couch, I just embraced all the pain I felt.  Allowed it to just stay on me, not try to shake it off...and I found that the pain was bearable.  Unpleasant.  Not desired or wanted.  But I found that I could live with it last night.

Today, I wake with a renewed experience of that same pain.  Fear is constantly present.  But also a faith that doing something different, will allow us to move to some new place we haven’t been to yet.  Well, at least that is what I am praying happens.

Relationships are hard.  So fucking hard.  And sometimes, I just want to quit them altogether.  But then I know that isn’t really possible, and also, that isn’t what I really want.  This current event is just another opportunity for me live through something painful.  To be present for my life with the pain, and not spend all my time trying to avoid it.  While also, contrarily, not indulging the pain and doing something to make it worse or more painful for all.

I have no idea what I am doing except willingly sitting with the pain, the hurt, the loss.  And trusting that feeling it will allow it to pass through and hopefully lead to some better future relationship for the people involved...

Again, still?

I fucking hope so...