Someone said this the other day...and it resonated with me. This idea that I am not in charge of what happens next, but that I am always responsible for the willingness to allow whatever comes next to happen.
I am at a crossroads in this life. I am sure that I have a good life, but I am not sure what to do with the life I have. I sit and wonder and wait, and do all the footwork I can fathom to do...but nothing is really happening. I mean, I know there is shit going on, I just don’t know where or how or what I am supposed to do next...
My full time job right now appears to be to be constantly willing to do the next thing...except there are too many things to do and feel myself bleeding myself dry trying to do it all. Perhaps, when one finds oneself in a place such as this, the best thing to do is re-evaluate what one wants and why. A soul inventory of sorts.
Mostly what I want to do right now is what I am doing right now. Currently, I am snuggled under my blanket of cats...all of them close, purring, sleeping peacefully and contentedly. My daughter and I get so much pleasure from the cats, daily. Fuck, hourly. Whether they are active and being naughty or sleeping peacefully in all the weird places they come up with to sleep, we enjoy them all the time. In fact, we sometimes refuse to leave the house because we don’t want to miss them...
Perhaps everything is as it should be. Nothing should be different...today. I am here, living this life and I am sober, well and all is good. What happens next, really isn’t up to me anyway. There may be no next...in this precarious living of life. None of us is assured another day, or minute for that matter. So I find myself in this weird position of being perfectly content, happy really, when most of my life remains unresolved.
The relationship that I thought was forever, wasn’t. And now apparently, he is taking his friendship away too. That tentative loving peace we found, now whacked out of balance, and the need for closure prevails. I get it. I do. Still hurts.
My career, fuck I can’t even say that without laughing. My career is uncertain. I am doing all the things but not really finding enough support to sustain it. And I honestly do not know how I feel about that. I feel I have something to offer, I am just not sure why so few people seem to want it. Perhaps it is in my delivery, perhaps in my personality. Perhaps, it is just not what is meant for me. But if not this, then what??
And so I spend ample time in the periphery...not knowing what is coming next, not knowing what I am meant to do with myself, content in my life as it is right now but seeing that change is going to come...must come.
And while it is unnerving and unsettling, I am here, doing the deal one more day.
And so my new mantra has become, Where to Now, Boss? Because clearly I do not know what I am doing or why. I still select all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons, despite really trying to work this out and through and come to a place where I know me and make accommodations for all that is dysfunctional in my life and relative adjustment to it.
Where to Now, Boss...helps me get out of bed, take the dog on a walk, be kind when others are not so kind, find willingness when I am sure there is none to be found, and in general move myself forward...to what, I never know until I get there.
And because I am willing to ask that question, eventually I am richly rewarded in a life that is beyond my most creative imagination...it just sometimes looks a lot like standing still. So all I can do is ask, Where to Now, Boss? And then do the next indicated thing...
