Why Is My God A Man?

It has taken me awhile to figure this out.  With all the trouble I have had with men in my life, my God should absolutely be female.  But it isn’t.  It is masculine and I have been kind of upset about that my whole life.  And since I believe we choose our own higher powers, it is odd that though I have the freedom of choice in this department, I have inadvertently chosen a man for a supreme deity.

I have tried to change my concept.  Many, many times to no avail.

It is just male and there is really nothing I can do about it.

So I have just largely ignored the incongruence of my beliefs with my interior. I mean, men, have been such a negative force in my life.  Abuse, neglect and just a lot of hardship that wasn’t really necessary, except that I know that it was...now.  So if I can pick any idea of a higher power, why the fuck would I pick a gender that has brought me way more hardship and pain than healing and joy?

For exactly that reason.  I think I need to believe in a male essence that is benevolent and good.  I think I need to believe in this fatherly capacity that is kind, attentive, loving and funny.  My God most resembles the Dali Lama.  That is who I picture, a bemused older man who takes everything in stride and finds humor and joy at every turn.  Patience, kind and loving.  A figure who emanates peaceful abiding.

I think I need this version of God because that has so not been my experience with actual men.  Now before you all go calling me a man hater, I do NOT hate men.  I hate what they do, how they behave and how they have historically treated women.  But individual men, I have loved with all that I have to give. And for the most part, I have come up worse for the wear.  But also, I have grown and changed and endured because of the men I have had experiences with in my life.  And I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t say that my choice in men has led me down some very dark roads.

I have also been lucky enough to experience some great men in my life.  Fabulous examples of masculinity in action and life.  I, unfortunately, haven’t dated those men for the most part.  I have a picker that likes to pick the opposite of that.  But even that has changed.  And now, today, I select no men as my most favorite option.  My life is just so much more peaceful, even, level and amazing without dating men.  Again, I am not saying it is men’s fault for the way I am, I am simply underscoring the men I choose do not serve me well or decently.  (This is not ALL of the men I have dated, to be clear, so I do not mean to paint with broad strokes, but reviewing my dating history, there are a few standouts and the rest deserve the finger pointing).

So I need a male ideal that is loving and kind and has my back.  I need that quite a lot actually.  And it isn’t because I haven’t ever had that, it is just that it has always been so sporadic and fleeting and usually with strings attached...

So whether I like it or not, my God is male.  And I think I will spend the rest of my life attempting to reconcile that with the experience of men, largely being not all that great.  For me though, the men who are my friends have been and are amazing men, fine examples of maleness.  It, for me anyway, all gets fucked up when the whole dating and sex thing gets thrown on top of the whole idea of me and men.  Wondering why?  Read my book, it really is a tell all about the whole debacle.  Coming soon mid October!

I think I just really need the idea of a man that is selfless and loving and doesn’t want anything from me other than my peace, my service and my never ending willingness to grow, evolve and change.  And if I am willing to do that, turn my will and life over to his benevolence, then I get to live most of my days pretty lovingly comfortable and content, hell even deliriously happy some days!

So my God is a man and I don’t know whether I will ever be completely happy about that...

Again, still...