Windshield Time...

I need this time.  Frequently.  Just me, my car, good tunes and the open road.  It almost doesn’t matter where I go...almost.

Last week, I was down.  Nothing in particular, except everything.  I was in my way and didn’t know how to get out of it.  Felt stymied and waylaid by my options, worried about money and my future and work.  Just buried beneath all the life that felt like too much.  I spent the week on my couch which was better than my bed.  I am going to call that progress.  I used to call it “stuck to my bed days.”  Well that has graduated to “stuck to my couch days.”  Again, progress.

So last Saturday when I woke up knowing that my day would be spent lying around, again, with the couch and the cats, I knew I had to do something.  I spent the better part of last week with the couch and cats.  I needed a change.  An internal one and the only thing I could think to do was to get in my car and go.  I needed windshield time...

The open road, the top down, hat on, music blaring.  Just the wide open road, heading north...I knew immediately that I was in for a change in perspective.

Sometimes, I just need windshield time.  Something about the open road, no time tables, no clock that matters, no particular destination in mind.  I just headed North towards Big Sur which tends to act like some sort of magnet in my life...pulling me to her when I am stuck, frustrated, foundering.  I am not sure why clarity for my life resides in Big Sur, but it does.

It was a long day, 12 hours in the car.  Lots of stops and starts but regardless it was exactly what I needed.  The time driving just staring off into space, music comforting and inspiring, the open road allowing me to access the full potential of my existence in a way that I do not seem to be able access otherwise.

I am grateful that I woke up last Saturday and knew what I needed more than anything was windshield time.  And I am grateful that I was able to get out of my way long enough and break up with the couch in order to give myself the gift of a perspective change, a viewpoint alteration.  It was lovely and loving.

I went through it all:  my dad’s death, the debris that still litters my mind from my last horrific relationship, the podcast, the book, my current love life, my mom, my kids, the pets, where to live, what to do about work, the lawsuit, all the things that were swirling in my head seemed to tag along and somehow, find some order and stasis.

And I came to a few conclusions...

I do not want to live in a camper van with 7 cats and a dog. That is not the dream. The dream is to live in the camper van solo or with some dude that I love and loves me back.  That is the dream.  I do not want to tow my current life along in this dream. I want some other version of reality than I am currently living.  So for now, this dream is shelved.  I mean, it is my life, I can change my mind any time, but for now, the van life is not a viable option.

Selling my house and moving North.  Again, still an option but as much as I love Big Sur and NorCal, I am not ready to leave Ojai. I love my home, my friends, my family, my community.  I have a really great life here.  My life is stable and easy.  I am available to my daughter and mom.  I live in such an amazing place where my life really exists in a two mile circle and that is such a fucking gift.  All my cats are here.  And they are happy and make me happy.  I have Santa Barbara just 45 minutes away, the beach is a close and beautiful 30 minute drive.  Life here in Ojai is pretty fucking spectacular.  Why leave?  Big Sur will be different, but it won’t likely be better...it will just be different. And while that appeals to me on so many levels.  I am pretty sure after a life time of moving and relocating, I am supposed to be here, now.

I cannot tell you what a relief it is to just decide to stay still. I don’t need great upheaval right now.  I have already had that with losing my job and my dad.  Instead of throwing shit up in the air, I can enjoy the stable ground beneath me.  I can savor and favor the place I live currently. I don’t need a change and if I do, there is always a road trip with lots of windshield time to free me up.

I have been running around in my own head for months thinking about moving and van life.  MONTHS!  And now, for now, I am shelving those two options and making a decision to stay put.  Remain where I am.  Work on other things like the podcast that will launch this Spring and the book that will be published this Fall.  That is enough.  I am enough.  This house is enough.  This life I am currently living is enough.  I don’t need anything else right now. I am enough and have enough.  And I would have never been able to figure that out without my windshield time...

Again, still...