I was up at 3 am again
Having conversations with you in my head
Talks that I didn't want to have
But that part of my psyche you touch,
Even though you aren’t here
It wakes me up so often from a peaceful slumber
And I have come to rely upon the disruption
I have lost count how many times
We’ve had talks like this
They don’t really go much better than the actual ones we have
I am tired
Of all the back and forth
Come here
Go away
I can’t do it anymore
Wait, is that true?
I can, I know I can
But I don’t want to
I am exhausted by your ups and downs
Your “I love yous”
Followed always by your intense push aways
My love for you caught somewhere in the chasm you created
The friction of love given and taken away
Eroding all the possibility that once was
I am glad you are alive
I am glad you are safe
These things I want for you always
I just can’t do it with you anymore
The cost to me is just too great
I am spent on the shores of us
Sometimes barely breathing, the pain intense and life altering
I am not angry
I am not upset
I need something that you can’t provide me, or you, or maybe anyone
And I am drained from telling myself the lie that this time it will be different
It won’t.
It never is
I figure you will not understand
I will be added to the scrap heap of women who have let you down
And I guess that is fitting
Another soul come and gone
What is another casualty?
But I guess I would really like you to know that I gave you my best
I hung in, to my own detriment and to the consternation of those who love me
I kept showing up because I thought maybe one day you just might appreciate it
All my effort and love
And I will never know if you did or didn’t
I see that now
I have spent so many nights telling you how I felt while you slumbered in my bed or perhaps in someone else’s
Another thing that I will never know, just how many others there were
Life moves on and so must we
The love I have for you, true and deep
But the depths of it now threatening to drown me
So I release, let go
Swim for my own shores this time
I cannot be your friend because the way you treat me
All the back and forth
Just about does me in
Finally I realize you need space I cannot provide,
You need it from yourself
And I will not be your cause du jour
I pray for you
I have nothing but love for you
But I have also come to love myself, more deeply now
And in the great battle between me and you
I am picking me
I hope you will do the same, pick you that is
And heal that which is broken
I hope you have an amazing life
I hope you are happy
Without pain
Without suffering
I hope you find a way to stop listening to all that crap in your head that lies to you and tells you things that simply aren’t true
I hope you do that just for you
But for me
I am letting go
I am moving on
I have moved forward without you in my life
So I do that now
Walk in peace
My ardent desire and wish is that you find peace in your heart and soul
I just know, finally, that that particular peace can never be found with me
Thank you for all you taught me
I have learned so very much
About me
About love
About loss and gain
And I will never be the same
The sun rises over the desert today
Barren, with hints of light glinting off the ancient trailer in the distance
And I am renewed with faith that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
I see it in the landscape
I see it etched on my face
So I greet the new day
No more 3 am conversations
with the ghost of you
No longer haunted
Instead sleeping peacefully
Once more
