Addiction Sucks...

Long night.  Details too crazy to even share.

I am not sure when I am ever going to learn that you cannot trust an addict.  It is so hard because you WANT to believe them.  You WANT them to be well, sober and living their life.  You want, you want, you want.  And they prey upon that want.  They use your love against you.  It is fucking awful.

I am sure I was hard to deal with when I was drinking, but fuck, this current situation is next level fucked up.  I just never knew it could be this bad...

I am tired as I didn’t get a lot of sleep.

I am fearful for my safety and that of my loved ones.

I worry that someone I love is going to hurt themselves or others.

And, regardless, I am powerless.

I can’t do anything about someone else’s illness.

To a large extent, I can’t even keep myself safe from the delusions of someone under the influence.

I hate addiction.  The people it turns us into, the sweet and loving relationships ruined.  The lies told and the trust broken.  The promises for change that you so desperately want to believe but know in your gut is just the entry point on the merry-go-round that is addiction.  One more lie, one more dip into despair and horrible things. 

One more time.

One more time. 

One more time.

I guess I am grateful to be sober.  That I have not put my family and friends through active addiction for the last 31 years.  I am grateful that I do not lie, generally, but if I do, I have a program to help right the wrongs and missteps I take in my life.  I am grateful for my own recovery...and I pray that those similarly afflicted but active find their way into the life I have found today.

I can’t help.  I can only pray.  That is all I know to do at this point.  That and perhaps a restraining order...

Sigh.

Loving someone who is addicted is a love affair with despair, heartbreak and trauma.  No matter how awful the conduct, you don’t stop loving them.  And you always want to believe the best.  You want them to get better, to be better, to heal and grow and recover.  And so you fall into the mire with them over and over again because you want to believe that THIS time it will be different.  And it is, for a minute, then it is just as bad as it has always been, again, still...

I guess I see where I keep getting this wrong.  It is just like my own drinking, I was obsessed with the delusion that THIS time it would be different and it never ever was.  Perhaps codependency is the same.  I keep thinking THIS time they will get it.  THIS time recovery will win out over the insane idea.  THIS time truth is being told instead of just more spewing of lies and insults and insanity.

THIS TIME...

THIS TIME...

THIS TIME...

And it is never different, despite my desperate belief that it will be different.  The addict’s promises that reinforce what you want to believe.  And the shitshow that ensues when you believe them one more time...

I pray there is sobriety and peace for them.  I just can’t do this with them anymore.  I have to let go and trust that they might find their way to the bottom quicker if I remove myself from my habitual place of attempting to provide a softer landing.  

I CANNOT FIX THIS.

I DIDN’T CAUSE THIS.

I CAN’T CONTROL IT.

I can only step out of the way and let this person I love so much bear the brunt of the consequences of their actions...

While my heart breaks once more...

Again, still...