Airport Reunions...

I saw this reel on Instagram yesterday and it made me cry. It was a reel with all these couple who had been separated and doing the long distance thing for awhile.  Every couple ran to each other and threw themselves into each other’s arms.  The women often wrapping their whole body around the guy’s body.  It kinda broke me...

After I regained my composure, I spent a little time thinking why this undid me so much.  The reasons are varied...

I love, love.  Seeing people who love each other reunited is such a blessing in this life.  Seeing love triumph over time and distance and malaise.  Seeing people genuinely and wholeheartedly happy, elated even, to be returning to each other is cry worthy.

The fact that I couldn’t stop myself from wondering how many of those “happy” couples had cheated while they were apart, made me cry harder.  I mean, fuck, why did I have to go there?  But it is probably true that at least a couple of those “happy” couples are not quite as happy as they seem.  It is a reality of life these days that you can be living a great time in your relationship and unbeknownst to you, your partner/your everything is also quite content with someone else as well.  That is fucked.

It also made me cry because I can only think of one time in my life where I have felt that kind of love and passion for someone and that was reciprocated.  That desperation that can only be satisfied by the one you love.  And that was a long fucking time ago.

Then I was despondently sad about the fact that I have only had that one time in my life...and then I felt shitty about not being grateful that I had it once.

Then, I was sad because I don’t have anyone in my life right now that I am even interested in.  The dating benches have been cleared and there is no second or third string.  My love life is a desert of my own making...and while I don’t want it to be different, I also am not totally satisfied about the view from my relational wasteland...

And finally, I was sad because I have no faith in ever feeling about someone like that again.  Or them me.  I know it is possible but with each passing day it feels more like the kind of possible like, “it is possible global warming will dissipate,” or “it is possible that someone will stop Trump before he dismantles our country completely for his own gain,” or even “it is possible that all the serums and potions will slow the advance of age." All possible, none of them likely.

And that is how I feel today.  Sad at the relative state of my love life and also at the very same time, not really willing to do much to change my status.  I just feel wrung out and done.  And as much as I would like to fling myself into some sordid love affair, I just don’t have it in me.

I know there are possibilities so long as we are still breathing.  But I feel like the tenuous hold I had on love has slipped beyond my grasp.  And now, having given up, I am unsure what to do with myself.  Knowing that this hang time between a life long search for that ever elusive relational success and whatever exciting single life awaits me will be temporary.  I kind of can’t wait to get to the other side and get on with my life and living.

I guess there might always be some sadness at the lack of what I see so many other people find and enjoy.  And at the very same time, I do not begrudge them their love and happiness one bit.  I am not sure I can have it but I am absolutely elated that they do.

Airport reunions break me in a way that I can’t quite explain because I have a hard time figuring out exactly what it is about that particular reunion that makes me sad.  Is it that I don’t have it?  Is it that it is so fleeting?  Like I know at least some of them are going to get into an argument on the way home, and some of them had another secret lover on the other side of their just completed travel.  Is it that?  Is it just self pity?

After a great deal of soul searching, I can tell you the underlying cause to my sadness is because that deep need to feel loved and understood is life altering.  And when I get to witness two people in love and showing up for each other, it fills me with such hope for living and loving.  For a moment, it is all true and possible and right and good.

Fuck, how good does it feel when the one you want, wants you back in that desperate, homing feeling that no one else on the planet can provide?

I am glad someone finds that feeling and I pray they can hold it, each for the other.  They can keep choosing each other over and over and over again every single day.  And that each day they wake up together, they are capable of bringing that airport reunion energy to their love and relationship.  And that someone gets to feel what it is like when you are the very center of someone else’s life...

Airport reunions are such a pure, honest, almost child like expression of love...and I love that.