Deepening...

Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt like you just skimmed the surface?  Like your whole life you are just kind of moving along at a certain clip and there just really isn’t time for depth?

Well, fuck, that was my whole life, until I got sober.  

Since then, I have been working on the deepening of my life, my relationships, my ability to stay present with others.  I have a lifetime habit of leaving while I am still standing right there!

This last few months, I have been given the gift of deepening.  I can feel it in every relationship in my life, the intimacy shared, the connection strengthen, the honesty flowing.  I am not sure what kicked off this latest growth spurt, but I absolutely do notice it.

I was walking down the street last night, on my way to dinner with some friends and I just felt whole in my body, out in public, living my life.  I can’t describe the feeling really, other than to say, I felt like a whole being.  I mean, this isn’t the first time I have felt that way, but if I am totally honest, I tend to always send a part of me away, like I need to not bring all of me to the table, any table, or walk up the street, like I need to secret away parts of myself to save me for later.  Way too risky to bring all of me out into the public domain at one time.  So I can see that my life has been a fragmented existence...

But something is happening that I cannot quite explain.  Last night as I walked to the restaurant, I felt like all of me was there.  Like the entire person of Erin was walking down that street.  There were no parts of me I left at home for safe keeping.  There were no parts I felt I needed to send away, left to observe my evening from a distance.  I was just there, the entire me, walking down the lovely streets of sweet Ojai.

It was surreal.  And life affirming.  And a little heady.

I had a lovely time at dinner, and it was this new feeling of being wholly present for the entire event.  The self consciousness that has plagued me my whole life, wasn’t there. I didn’t need to be different, someone else, better, worse, happier, sadder.  There was nothing I needed to add and, maybe more importantly, there was nothing I needed to subtract from my being.  It was finally safe to just be me, living this life, deeply, honestly and truly.

It was one of the best evenings I have ever had because I was fully there. 

And as I drove home, I realized how much of my life I have missed in all my requiring me to live in this fractionated, fractionalized manner.  It was like I decided a long time ago that all of me should never be present.  Like there were some sort of phantoms that sought after authenticity and wholeness and they roamed the earth looking for people being who they really are, and once they found them, they would end them.  Kind of like dementors in Harry Potter.  They roam the earth searching for those of us who have the temerity to show up as ourselves, and then their only job is to take us out.  I mean, when you think about it, isn’t this kind of the theme of Harry Potter?  Harry and his friends just trying to be who they really are, and a whole host of varitable goblins and monsters attempt to end them just because they are who they are?

Anyway, it was a lovely evening and if those dementors were anywhere in the vicinity I didn’t feel them or fear them.  I was safe, being me, being present and living this amazing life.  I am not sure how I got so blessed, but I fucking did.

Again, still...