My Best Era...

Now.  Right fucking now!

I am living my best life right now.

I mean I was doing that yesterday too.  

And last week and the week before that.

Something shifted for me in 2022 that set this whole life altering movement into motion. I had no idea what I was doing.  Thankfully.  I wouldn’t have done it had I known what I was going to have to walk through next.

I spent 2022 through 2024 engaging in old behaviors but instead of getting mired in them, I cycled through them.  I did get stuck in one painfully horrible relationship.  But I needed to.  I needed him and that and all of the pain that came with it to see myself clearly.  Who I ACTUALLY was and what I had become because of the people I allowed into my life.

Then I made a few more bad decisions...

But it was like every single day, I became less willing to make those horrible choices.  I became less willing to make myself small so that some other person could feel good about themselves.  I became less willing to live the way I was living.

And then, last December, life just turned it all upside down and shook it out. 

I lost my:

Father

Employment

Health

Financial security

But I didn’t panic. 

I just knew it was:

My dad’s time to go, terrible as it was, he was done with this life and world and it was time for him to move to whatever comes next.  And I got to be there to experience it all.

I was not supposed to have that particular job anymore.  I was supposed to take care of myself and my family and that required a major life shift and change.

I had been ignoring a health issue that was only growing worse by the day.  And I needed that to change so that I could move through my life in a less painful manner.

I had to face financial ruin and the attendant panic that goes with it.  And I had to come out the other side finding peace within the storm.

And this year has been amazing.  Painfully hard at times but also so wonderfully full and joyous and fucking MINE.

I think I have finally begun to live MY life.  Not yours or the one you expect me to or want me to or need me to.  MY FUCKING LIFE.

And I feel like I have spent this year, so far, finding out what I want and who I am.  I have tackled hard things, walked through blinding fear, apprehension and loss.  I have come to this other side and feel like, right now, in this moment, my life is just about as perfect as it has ever been. 

And I say that not knowing how it all works out...

Do I ever find a man I can love that loves me back that isn’t riddled with trauma and wounds from the past?

Does my book do well and is that my new path?

Do my children find their way as adults?

Does my mom continue to live a lovely life that is rich in ways that mean something to her?

Do I get to travel as much as I want to?

Do I get to meet new people and create space in my life for them while I also hold space for those people who have been here, loyal and loving the whole time?

I don’t know.  But I believe.  I really do that this is all going to just work out. Not the way that I want it to because I know that my wants pale in comparison to God’s will for my life.  God’s will is always better, it just takes longer and never looks like I think it should.

This time, right now, is my best era. And I am so fucking grateful for it!

So very grateful for this life, its ups and downs, its twists and turns.  I am grateful for all of it.  And to have arrived at this moment in time where it is not all sorted and looking the way I would like...but regardless it feels like mine.  

Finally.