We are off to Maui this morning. Me and two teenage girls, which is really three teenage girls because I am pretty sure they are more mature than me, frequently.
I am very excited and happy to be getting this time away. I have a lot to think about, a lot to contemplate and a whole lotta nothing to do.
I have to say I am amazed at God and all the wonders performed. Two weeks ago my whole life was in an uproar. My dad in the hospital, my mom in the hospital. Maria and Ramiro in the hospital. Four of the most important people in my life, all fighting to remain on the planet, some more dire than others but all of them nonetheless, ill or injured.
Hawaii was not looking good. In fact, I was pretty embarrassed that I even booked the trip. I mean my mom was recovering from the hip replacement and I really should have thought that through more. I had no idea that my dad’s health would fail, and of course, no clue that Maria and Ramiro would be injured so severely in a car accident. Life on life’s terms, still brings me up short, often.
I booked this vacation with admittedly a little less thought for others than I probably should have had...but then again, I booked it for this kid of mine who has shouldered and weathered so much in the last year. She has started high school and is doing well. She has watched her family morph and change and seriously come unglued. She has watched four very important people in her life, founder. She has taken on a lot of responsibility around the house to help me.
I booked this trip for her. For her birthday. 15! I can’t believe my baby is now (almost) 15. Seems like just yesterday she and I were sitting on the floor of her room playing with hangers (I know, I still don’t get it, but she loved them). She would crawl around the room placing the hangers, saying “‘Dis” instead of “this” and I would crawl around behind her and pick them up, all so that she could do it again. Now she is taller than me. And she is one of the best humans I know. She is edgy but cool. Funny and smart. Beautiful from the inside, out! She has endured a lot over the last 15 years and she has done most of it with a great sense of humor and love.
I guess this is where you land in middle age. Looking back is better than looking forward. The past better to visit than the future where your own health can do nothing but fail. So the past becomes the solace, the comfort. The place you run to for a thought hug when there are no people around to actually give you one.
So on this very early morning, I am so grateful that God saw fit to improve the health of those about me so that I could not feel horrifically guilty and go on this trip. I am grateful that I got to participate in my dad’s homecoming yesterday and see the joy for him, my mom and their cat. I am grateful that he even got to come home because two weeks ago, I was pretty sure he was never coming home again.
So thanks God. Thank you for this messy, screwed up, weird life. Thank you for all of it. I am grateful to be here, living, day by day mostly happy, peaceful and content. And I am super grateful that today I get to fly to a beautiful, magical place with no agendas, no plans, no ideas to the contrary. I am just going to be present and live whatever life awaits me there. With a heart filled with gratitude and a mind emptied of ideas about how my life should go.