The Way of Excuses...

“If it is important enough to you, you will find a way, and if it isn’t, you will find an excuse...”  Unknown.

Seems like either way we are doing a lot of work.

I read this the other day on Insta and knew that I had some “feelings” about it.

First of all, this is true.  If I want something, I go make it happen.  And if I don’t, I either don’t do it, or I make an excuse as to why I can’t make it happen.

Second, I don’t think I ever examined why excuses are a good cover for what is underneath the reason I am not doing something I am saying I want to do...

Let’s take yoga.

I did yoga for years.  I had a daily practice.  I did it religiously everyday.  Then I stopped.  And I have not been able to get it going again.  I have tried and tried and tried.  But whenever I think it is time (it is on my calendar every single day and every single day I avoid doing it) I just skip it.  We are going on two years now.  Still on my calendar.  Still not doing it.

And here is where I feel the need to tell you why.  And I can produce a variety of good reasons:  my back and neck have been fucked up and that movement hurts me, my morning routine is early and packed, it is too hot or cold outside (my yoga place at my house is outside).  And all of those excuses are valid.  100%.

But the real reason I am not doing yoga is because I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it more than I want to do it.  And I don’t want to do it because I am not able to sit in my body like that since the last asshole I dated.  And I feel that way because I have some healing that needs to be done on a literal cellular level that I am currently, excusing and avoiding.  A lot.

I am also not finishing my book for similar reasons.  I am not getting that podcast launched - same shit.  I am caught up in the way of excuses and that is standing in place of me actually getting something done.

I know me, if I want something, I get it.  I do not sit around waiting for someone to give it to me, I get the fuck out there and fucking do it.  But yoga, finishing my book and the podcast are things that I am currently excusing and avoiding as if they were the plague.

Do I not want these things?  Do I want these things because I think you expect them from me?  Because I want to present to you some other version of myself that I think I am supposed to give you?  I mean, I know none of you give two shits whether I do yoga everyday or finish my book or start a podcast.  No one besides me cares at all.  So why do I keep these things alive if I don’t really want to do them?  I mean, clearly I don’t want to do them because I am not in fact doing them!

I am at a place in life where I want to re-evalutate where and how I am spending my time.  Currently I am listening to audible books and playing bubble pop compulsively.  I act like I am going to be entering some sort of bubble pop contest with the amount of time I am wasting on that fucking game.  I do not care about bubble pop.  I do care about reading and I do love audible.  But I can’t just sit there and listen.  I mean that is fucking nuts.  And I will fall asleep.

I can see I have some work to do. I need to figure out why I am in my own way.  And either decide to do yoga again and make it happen or let it just go.  I mean, I can always pick it up later.  But I can remove it from my calendar for now, it is kind of ridiculous to have something on your calendar that you actively avoid doing.  Just take the fucker off for God’s sake!

What do I actually want?  Is a very hard question.  It is hard to figure that out when I am still quite caught in how you perceive me, how I look and who I present.  It is time for some inventory of what I want and why.  I am lost and tired on my way of excuses.  I want to live not pretend to live.

I have some work to do.  Always. The work is never ending because I am here living and fucking things up and fixing them and then having to do the work to straighten them out.  And I can founder on the way of excuses or I get on the path of action.  I just need to do the work to figure out what action feels right and why I want to undertake it.

And that my friends is possibly the hardest thing to do:  get honest with yourself about yourself.

Again, still...