Anxiety...

So I have this speaking thing tonight and I am anxious about it.  It isn’t like I haven’t done this before, many times, but tonight feels harder for some reason.  Lots of old scripts running through my mind, I think.  None of them true.

My anxiety about this has been building for a few days now and while I don’t feel like it is out of control, I haven’t been able to access that place of total acceptance yet either.  Soon, I pray!

Anyway, the other morning I woke up and this speaking thing was the first thing that hit my conscious mind.  Here is how it went:

Me, Barely Awake:

“Oh, man, I have that speaking thing coming up...”

Alcoholism:

“You know what would help with all your anxiety about this...a drink!”

Me, Now Fully Awake:

“WTF???!!!”

Alcoholism:

“Well, it would...”

Me, Incredulous:

“Um, it is a recovery related talk, but thanks for playing!”

Alcoholism:

“Um, you would not be the first person in the world to give a talk like that right after they had a drink...”

Me, not shocked:

“Um, yeah, I know that, but that will not be me.  But thank you for letting me know my disease is still active and alive and fucking ridiculous!  I will be fine.  Thanks for the support!”

Alcoholism:

“I got you!”

And then I just laughed.  That is EXACTLY how my disease works.  It pretends to be a close friend and tells me things and then I have to evaluate those things for clarity, accuracy and sense.  For a long time I just believed everything that stupid weirdo said.  Today, I know my head lies to me in the guise of truth.  And I have, luckily, been sober long enough to know this and see it before any kind of action can be taken.

It is really kind of pathetic.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do NOT underestimate my addiction and its power.  Fuck no!  I have seen the wreckage of my life when activated.  And my observation of other’s similarly afflicted has also underscored that underestimating alcoholism never works out very well for anyone.  But today, I can see what a feeble attempt that was.  I mean, really??  I am going to drink before giving a recovery related talk to take the edge off after all these years of recovery?  SO STUPID! 

But I know that it only registers as stupid, and not a viable solution, because I am working a program and doing all the things I need to hold my alcoholism in remission.  If I let up on just one of the pillars of my recovery, perhaps, maybe that idea would carry more depth and weight.

I am grateful today it just registers as absurd and is summarily dismissed with a nod to the ridiculousness of the idea.  I know, because I have witnessed it in others, that insane ideas win out all the time.  I know that it is only because of my daily practices that I am currently immune to stupid shit thoughts like that.  And I know what to do with them...share them.  Addiction feeds on secrets and lies.  The more you have the more at risk you are from yourself.  I know this to be true.

So I will do with this anxiety what I do with all my bad or hard feelings today.  I will just sit with it.  I will attempt to get to know it better and welcome it into my life.  I may even start off my talk tonight with this little vignette because it so clearly outlines my disease and how it operates in my life.  31+ years sober, and this is what my head ambushes me with at dawn’s first light.  Thinking it will catch me unawares and vulnerable.  Not today, you mother fucker. Not today!

And just like that anxiety is transformed into another piece of evidence that I am on the right path.  I am ok.  All will be well.  There is no reason to fear this room full of addicts and alcoholics this evening.  They are there for the exact same reason I am.  None of us want to ever be susceptible to the beast that lives within us and whispers ridiculous false shit to us when we least expect it that appears as gospel.  Today, I am capable of deciphering the true from the false.  And I am immensely grateful for that.  I would rather live in constant self created anxiety sober than I would want one second of taking a drink thinking that is going to fix anything at all.

I am so grateful for my recovery.  That I can show up, anxious or not, sober and do what is asked of me with the idea and belief that I GET to do this.  This life of mine is full and rich and sober and most of the time, relatively sane...

Again, still...