Publishing...

It is so weird that something you never, ever thought you would do, becomes your reality.  There was a time, not so long ago, where I believed, hell I feared, this idea of telling you all what I really think and really feel.  You were absolutely the last people I wanted to share any of that with.  My life’s work was to keep that information away from you, out of your hands.

But life has a funny way of working out. Before I started this blog, I kept getting this message, “write it down.  Put it out there.”  And at the time, I was like, “fuck no!”  But the voice calling me to some higher purpose is always insistent and patient.  I can resist for YEARS but it just keeps talking at me until finally one day, I just surrender.

And that is what happened with this blog.  I wrote all the time, but I shared none of it.  Too terrified to allow you in, or me out, or some combination thereof...

But God’s will for me has always been patient, persistent and relentless. So finally, full of terror and fear, I published my first blog. And we have been crack-a-lacking ever since.

Now I can’t imagine having a thought or feeling and NOT publishing it.  Which is terrifying in its own way.  Luckily for me, most of you are pretty nice and keep your lesser, harder opinion to yourself.  Which then makes it easy for me to march on, one word at a time.

As I have mentioned, my book will be coming out next month (October 13, 2026! And yes you are going to keep hearing about it because it is the hardest thing I have done to date).  And this book is taking the idea of publishing to a whole new level.  I am not good and do not enjoy self promotion.  I would much rather just sit back here behind my computer and watch you do what you do and quietly post my shit with as little fanfare as possible...but that isn’t going to work for the book.  If I do what I have done with this blog, I will never be able to achieve the goal of helping as many people as I can.

I have to publish it and then I have to promote it.  Who knew that publishing would be the easier part of this whole book writing endeavor? It only took me thirty years to finish writing It, so this publishing piece is happening quite quickly...

I find myself tangled in my own ideas about self worth and self promotion and healing and humility and all of that.  It is not easy to sort through it all.  I have to fall back on that I am here for a reason and my work is to do the next indicated thing. If I wrote a book, I need to publish it and then market it if I want anyone to read it.  I can’t just put it out there and then let it sit idle.  I have to believe in it and commit time, attention and resources to the cause.  And there is a part of me this terrifies.  What if I fail?  What if no one likes it?  What if no one cares? What if, what if, what if?

I have been sober for a long time.  And if I have learned anything, I have learned that what if doesn’t really matter.  What if is the thought process that keeps you forever looped into a reality you don’t want or like and is slowly killing you.  You can what if your life away, one fear based thought after another...

So I know what to do.  Publish anyway. Promote it anyway. Move forward anyway. And allow all of those what ifs to just fall away.  I know for certain that when we are ready the path appears.  And here we are, path absolutely showing up.  The next move is certain.  It is known and all I have to do now is step into it.  One day at a time. One post at a time.  One word at a time.  Allowing one more fear to dissipate and disappear at a time...

Again, still...