Alignment...

Well, yes, in fact, my car needs one...but so do I.

Or rather I needed one and I have received it this year. 

I can actually feel the aligning process happening in real time.  This whole year has been about letting go and moving forward. Not on my timeline for sure.  But I have stepped forward, and the path has appeared.

Today, and this is a bold fucking statement, I feel aligned.  I know what my purpose is.  I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing.  I know who is supposed to be in my life and I know who is not.  And I honor that. While I may miss people who are no longer here, I acknowledge that for reasons beyond my comprehension our time together ended.  I miss my dad.  I really do.  But I also accept that my mom and I are supposed to walk this next part of the journey, just she and I.  And as much as I miss him, I am grateful for the time I get with my mom.  And I am very grateful that her caretaking him as he declined will not further shorten her time here.

I have felt this kind of universally supported alignment a couple of times in my life:

When I was nine months sober and moved to DC from Florida.  I knew I was supposed to go.  It was difficult, scary and most everyone told me not to.  But I knew, in that deep knowing place that dwells only inside of us, that it was my time to go and so I did.  And every step I took along the path, confirmed what I already knew.

When I left DC after being there for almost seven years.  Everyone thought I was nuts!  Absolutely fucking nuts!  I had a house.  A BMW.  A law practice that was doing quite well.  I had arrived.  But I knew that I didn’t want it anymore, any of it.  Not the house on Capitol Hill, not the BMW, not the law practice I had worked so hard to build.  I was done and I wanted out of there.  So when I moved to the Navajo Nation, I knew that while it was not going to be an easy journey, I knew I was absolutely in alignment with what was next for me.

And now, being done with law and practice and all of that.  I feel the swelling tide of change once more.  I feel like writing is what I am supposed to do, full time.  My first book will launch next month (October 13, 2026, to be exact) and I have at least two more books in the works (one of which I have already started writing).  And I know this too is in alignment with my life’s purpose.

For me, alignment doesn’t look linear.  It is jagged, with lots of frolics and detours.  It isn’t something I completely understand.  But I know it when it is happening in my life on an almost cellular level.  I can feel what is coming next, like I can feel a storm on the horizon, like sometimes I just know who is going to call me next or what song will play next on the radio.  I just know.  And I feel the alignment happening.

Sometimes it is painful, this whole aligning process.  Sometimes it feels amazing.  It always feels scary and is laden with insecurity and worry.  But I am always given the tools to rise above.  To carry on even though the path uncertain and treacherous looking.

I wish I had better words to describe how I feel right now.  The only thing I can liken it to is my experience of traction.  I have done  A LOT of physical therapy for my neck.  Lots of time spent in a traction device to pull my neck into place.  And while I am laying there, I can feel the vertebras shifting into place, not like a chiropractic adjustment, no the traction alignment is more subtle and slow.  It takes time, kind of like you are driving a car around a bend at two miles an hour.  Slowly, you can feel the vertebrae slipping into place...

And that is how my life feels right now.  A slow easing into place. And it feels good, overall.  There are moments that are acutely painful.  But generally, this particular alignment feels amazing.  I know what I am supposed to be doing and I am willing to do it with every fiber of my being.

Alignment happens whether we want it to or not.  We can brace and make the entire process more painful...or we can just allow ourselves to be eased into it.  Moved, shifted and rearranged according to our new world order.  I do not want to keep going to the places I have been before.  I really do not.  So I am grateful for the retooling of my life this year. The removal of all the things that were, for whatever reason, destined to end.  I feel the loss acutely but I also feel the undulating freedom that comes with every loss...

And for today, I feel aligned with what is happening.  That my life is unfolding minute by minute and I feel like I am in the middle of it and it feels amazing.  Not all the time, not in all the ways but I am absolutely sure that what is happening currently is what is next for me.  I am learning to live in alignment with who I actually am — not who I used to be.  And that feels pretty damn good today...

Again, still...