Trauma as Opportunity...

Trauma is common.  We all have it in varying degrees. And what I am finding out now, after the launch of Untangling Samantha, is that many of us have life altering trauma that we never speak about, to anyone ever.  And this unspoken trauma drives us, maligns us, alters us, wrecks relationships and sometimes, kills us. And a great deal of the time we hold that trauma all by ourselves.

I know I did.  For a long, long time.  And I suppose, that even now, after I told, I still hold it alone.  It isn’t like someone else can come along and share it with me.  That time is over and passed and the trauma long perpetuated and ongoing, but also, over.  And yet, it can never be over.

I know, that is an unpopular opinion...we can heal!  We can change!  We can grow!  And that is all true...but perhaps we cannot ever get over the trauma because it happens to us and then it is in us, on us and with us, forever.  We cannot erase it or pretend it didn’t happen.  I mean, you can, but my experience is that it just squishes out sideways and fucks up your life from behind the iron curtain you slammed down.  Trauma is like water in that way, it seeks its own level.  And there is nothing you can do to completely contain it...it will come pouring out and all over at the most inconvenient time.

My own experience was that the longer I didn’t deal with what happened the worse I became.  The worse I was.  The harder my life and my ability to cope with life on life’s terms.  It took so much out of me.  And I had to medicate that feeling.  I had to have something to take the edge off...and then once I had that as a solution, then I had nothing else.  And then my solution turned on me and cut me to ribbons.

What if, instead of trauma being this thing we pushed down and away, it became a cause for connection?  What if we lived in a world where we saw each other’s traumas and vulnerabilities as opportunities for connection?  What if we were able to understand, support and assist with each other’s traumas instead of exploiting, misunderstanding and maligning?  What if we saw each other’s traumas and just bore witness to it?

What kind of world would that be?

How much healthier would we each be to hold each other’s traumas with love and understanding.  True compassion for the journey of another soul?

I am not sure we can get there, especially in today’s world but it is a lovely thought...

I am doing my best to see my own trauma as an opportunity for growth, connection and change.  It isn’t easy.  I so want to cull it back, take it back into my self and my life so that I can continue to hide and pretend that I am not who I am, that what happened didn’t happen and life is just better.  I am better.  But that is all untrue.  I am partially who I am because of all that went down.  And no matter how very much I fucking hate that, it is still true nevertheless...The scars and wounds I bare are the most honest and real parts about me.  And it has fucked me up more than I would like to admit.  Even now, just in the telling, I have spiraled this last week.  I have been exhausted and have felt innately self destructive.  I do not want to drink.  I do not want to drug or even smoke or vape.  But I feel acutely at odds with myself, like a significant part of me is fucking pissed off at me for telling.  And I am not sure how that is all going to go down.

So I go back to what I said above, and attempt to use my own trauma and my very visceral reaction to it and try to see it as an opportunity to get to know myself better, in a new way.  To see the revelation as an opportunity for me to behave more lovingly towards myself, instead of this very strong desire to just do something to fuck my shit up.  The struggle is real.

I know that if I can see other’s trauma as a way for connection, I can also do it with myself.  It should be easier to do with yourself, but I find the opposite is true...it is easier for me to do with others, than with myself...I am my own worst enemy, always.  Again, still...

But just because it has always been that way doesn’t mean that it always will.  I just have to move forward, being as honest as I can and trusting that whatever benevolence got me here shall move me through this crisis also.  Life is not easy for any of us. No matter what we project to the world.  And I am no different or better or worse for my own experience.  Like everything else in life, it is what we do with what happens to us that either heals us or breaks us further.  And I am testament that you can want to fuck your life up repeatedly and not do it.  To do contrary action and ride out the tempest of your own soul...

One mother fucking day at a time...

Again, still...