Bad Pancake...

Ok, no, I am not talking about brunch...

Although that might be a good idea, I could eat some fucking pancakes today.

But no, I am talking about relationships, OF COURSE!

There is a new term in dating and it is called the bad pancake.  Not the best terminology but it is descriptive!

The "bad pancake" theory suggests the first person you date after a serious breakup is a destined-to-fail "rebound" or "trial run," similar to how the first pancake in a batch is often burnt or misshapen. This initial, imperfect attempt is viewed as a necessary step to figure out your "heat" (readiness) before finding a better match.

Key Aspects of the "Bad Pancake" Theory:

• Rebound Nature: It is a temporary relationship designed to fail, serving as a transitional step to get over an ex.

• The "First Pancake" Analogy: Just as the first pancake is used to test pan heat and oil consistency, this relationship is a test run to re-enter the dating world, explain.

• Origin: The concept is famously referenced in the TV show Younger, highlighting that the first attempt is often awkward and not meant to last.

• Edibility: Similar to a literal first pancake, which is still edible with enough butter and syrup, this relationship can sometimes still be "experienced" before moving on. 

And fuck, have I made a few bad pancakes!

But not in a long time...

My last relationship caused a bottom sufficient to bring about a change in behavior and so I haven’t made any commitments since the last one because I knew I was not ready.  I have dated but I took time after my last shit show before I allowed anyone to even get close.  And truth be told, I am still a bit leery.

Rebounds don’t always fail, but the divorce rate for second marriages is between 62-67% so this tracks.  The increase in second marriages not working out is directly due to people not healing their wounds from the last relationship and taking them into the new one.  "It wasn’t ME that was faulty, I was just with the wrong person.  I will get new person and all will be well!"  Um, no, absolutely not.  Your last relationship failed because, in part, of you!  So until you unfuck that which your own dysfunction brings, you are destined to fuck it up again and again and again.  The other person is almost immaterial.  I say almost because there is always the possibility that you pick someone worse...and fuck have I done that!

I get it.  Healing sucks.  It takes time.  It takes work.  It is hard.  Distracting yourself with some new person who is all wonderful and cool, feels so much fucking better...until it doesn’t.

I think it takes a lot of courage to heal after heartbreak.  So much easier to get lost in someone new.  So much easier to compulsively date, fill the hole (literally), so much more socially acceptable to just move the fuck on...what is the saying? “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new...”  This idea of moving on and healing fast is pervasive in our society.  So healing, true healing is a foreign concept and doesn’t vibe well with our quick fix society.

And I want to say, it isn’t the pancake that is bad sometimes.  Sometimes that first pancake is amazing, but you turned up the heat too much.  You didn’t read the directions and so your recipe is off.  You got distracted and weren’t paying attention and so now you have a singed cake.  The person you are rebounding with is actually quite awesome, but you are not.  You will be again, someday, but in your current form,  you just aren’t ready.  And until you do the work to fix you, you aren’t going to be good for anyone.  So please, take the time you need to heal, let’s normalize this instead of the status quo being a two week gap from a 20 year marriage and getting back out there!  And often, there is no gap at all!  We pick new people before we have left the current one.  This relational overlap is so fucking damaging to all.  Don’t do it.  Don’t be the monkey on the vine, refusing to let go of one vine until you are firmly committed to the next vine...

Dating, love and relationshiping is hard.  But so fucking rewarding when we get it right.  And getting it right is hard.  The best thing we can do when heartbroken and bereft is to give ourselves the time to grieve, feel the pain of the loss, reinvest in ourselves and heal.  We will likely not be alone forever.  It is just going to take time and work and patience.  For some of us, it will take months, for others years, and then there are those of us for whom it will take decades...or maybe we just never partner again.  The point isn’t the timeline, the point is to be true to you - make your needs the most important thing to you, and not bring some other poor, unsuspecting pancake into the mix.

We can realize we are not ready to date or love again without having a test dummy.  We can take our own inventory and trust that we are just not ready and we don’t know when we will be ready.  But, when and if we give ourselves the time and energy to heal, we will likely love again and it will be stable, and healthy and more loving than whatever fucking choice we are making on the fly, running from our pain and loss in some futile attempt to outrun it.  You can’t out run grief.  It is a sprinter and a long distance runner and it will lapse your ass every single fucking time.

As someone who has absolutely done the bad pancake thing, I am committed to not doing that anymore.  I don’t want another human being to be the proving ground for my ineptitude, lack of healing and grief.  No one deserves that, even if they want to and are fucking signing up.  I am responsible for my own healing.  I can’t outsource it.  I can’t out run it.  And I cannot use another person to distract me from the work I am supposed to be doing.

We all have a choice after heartbreak, we can fry up one bad pancake after another or we can just take a knee and give ourselves time away from all the pancaking and do the work to heal our own pain instead of using some other poor soul to bolster our fragile and failing egos...

We get to choose.  Heal and grow or run and spiral.  The choice shall always be ours.

Again, still...