Being Impressed...

I mean, that used to be fairly easy to do.  When you doubt your every move, every idea, your sheer being in this world, it is so easy to be impressed by others.  I always came at life with this idea that everyone was better than me, everyone was smarter, hotter, more beautiful, more successful.  All the things.  All the time.  I fronted people a great deal of substance, heart and understanding all because of their outward appearance.

It took me a long time to see there is more than meets the eye...

There is a lot going on below the surface that often belies what is readily apparent.

Life has a way of roundhouse kicking your ass.  Showing you all the fallacies and ignorances you indulge as you grow up and become whatever an adult is supposed to be.

So when I was younger, it was easy to impress me.  If you weren’t me, then I was impressed.  I also have been very good at overlooking all your flaws and only focusing on the things you really shine at.  It is myopic for sure but I was a potential see’er and believer.  Don’t believe me?  Look at my dating history.  There is a long line of men who had sooooo much potential and looked pretty darn good, on the outside.  Often they were rotting in their core, but I just overlooked that and continued to believe what I saw, not what was really there.

So once upon a time, impressing me was easy...just don’t be me, and TA DAH!  Color me impressed!

But my standards have risen, thank fucking God!  And today, it takes a lot more to impress me.  Today, your money, what you project on socials, your career, your marriage, your clothes matter way less to me because I have curated another yard stick for measuring success: goodness and healing.

Today people who impress me are:

People who apologizes without explaining why they were actually right.

People who can sit in an uncomfortable conversation without becoming cruel.

People who don’t need everyone to know how successful they are.

People who keep their word.

People who can be alone without frantically trying to fill the space.

People who are kind to people who can't do anything for them.

People who change their mind.

People who say, “I don't know.”

People who have been through some shit and somehow didn't become assholes.

Did the world become less impressive—or did I finally figure out what actually matters to me?

I finally figured out what matters to me.  Hard stop.

I used to value being:

Clever over kind.

Successful over fulfilled

Confident over secure

Charming over genuine

Busy over engaged

Right over curious

Articulate over honest

Interesting over interested

Tough over resilient

Unbothered over peaceful

Stoic over emotionally available

Agreeable over compassionate

Polite over respectful

Admired over known

Desired over cherished

Needed over wanted

Perfect over authentic

Having a lot over needing very little

Looking happy over being happy

Being impressive over being someone people feel safe with

Today I believe I am growing towards flipping the above around, today I value being:

Kind over clever

Fulfilled over successful

Secure over confident

Genuine over charming

Engaged over busy

Curious over being right

Honest over articulate

Interested over interesting

Resilient over being tough

Peaceful over unbothered

Emotionally available over being stoic

Compassionate over agreeable

Respectful over being polite

Being known over being admired

Cherished over being desired

Wanted over needed

Authentic over being perfect

Needing less over wanting more

Being happy over looking happy

Being safe over being impressive

Today I really try to be the person to notice someone standing alone in a room instead of thinking about how impressed I want everyone to be with me.  It is more important to reach out to others who do not feel like they fit in, are part of than it is for me to ask others to include me.  I include me, so therefore, I am included.  

As always, I am so much better when I think of what I can add, instead of what I can get.  My life has been a narcissistic clearing house for the past four years.  It is like God was like, “Nope!  You are not engaging with THAT anymore!  You hear me?  Oh, you don’t hear me?  Well, guess what? I want this for you, so buckle up buttercup, because times they are a changing!”

And indeed, times they did change.  And so did I.  And so did my friends, my family, my dating life, my professional life.  All of it.  Radical, painful and evolving.

I am not the best, but I am the best version of myself I have ever been.  I am far from perfect, but I am pretty happy most of the time.  And I think I make the people in my life pretty happy most of the time also because I work at it.  I want the people I love to feel the love I have for them, and I cannot do that when I am a self consumed asshole who only cares about you thinking I am fabulous.

There is a shift that happens when your locus of control and power is centered outside you, and when it moves to the dead center of your body.  Everything shifts, and your relationship with yourself and everyone else changes, I think, for the better.  Today, people impress me by the little ways they show up, the tiny kindnesses and love they give when it seems like no one is looking.  I used to care for and want the grand gestures, but after getting burned pretty badly by someone who was all about the grand gestures and was rotting to his core, I came to see that being impressed with someone, which would also include myself, has to do with all the tiny, incremental ways I show up in this life.  It is a shift of focus, a change in where I am centered.

And when I am other centered, self centeredness melts away and I can engage with my world more thoughtfully, more authentically and more lovingly.  And to me, that is fucking impressive!

Again, still...