Again, Still...The Book is Here, Finally!
It has taken over thirty years to write this book. It has taken that long because what I feared most was publishing it. Allowing anyone access to my very private pain and history. But I did it because private pain isn’t helpful to me or anyone else.
I woke up the other morning in a total panic about it being out there...I know how cruel people can be, how judgmental, how mean spirited and so willing to cast aspersions and shift blame.
I am not sure why my book launch is coinciding with the Cornell 57 nightmare but it is. And it isn’t making me feel better. Actually, this is what woke me up in a panic the other morning after publishing. I have lost control over my own history, behavior and privacy. I know, I put it out there. I know. I know. I know! And I will tell you that for over thirty years, I didn’t. I didn’t want to put it out there because of all the shit talk that happens in this world to people who seem to be trying to misunderstand...
I have abandoned this book so many times. Over and over and over again. I walked away, but it just kept calling to me, like a siren in the Odyssey, chanting, “Publish! Publish! Publish!” And I did my level best to ignore it.
I have landed where I always do, terrified many will read it and terrified that no one will. Terrified of the critique, the haters and whether or not my message finds a place to land that is supportive, healing and comforting. Because that is why I finally let it go. I want to be supportive, healing and comforting. I want someone else who has walked through something similar to feel seen, heard and uplifted. I want my experience to support the healing of others with a similar tale.
I also really want to start a conversation about how sexual violence starts, grows and perpetuates in our society. We are all upset about Jane Doe. But look at the internet! WE ARE ALL JANE DOE! And it makes me sick. Sick to think that there are so many of us. So very many of us. That ALL women feel an exasperating level of dis-ease in this world. That we are constantly hyper aware of men and our surroundings and who might hurt us and who might help us and, and, and. And we get abused and raped anyway.
Despite our hyper vigilance.
Despite our best efforts.
Despite
Despite
Despite...
I am glad we are talking about sexual violence. I am happy that the internet is literally blowing up about the rape at Cornell. I am glad we are talking about women, our role, our position and our peril in the world today. This is good even as it is painful, scary and terrifying.
But I am still scared about what I put out there...
But after decades of hand wringing and sincere attempts to just walk away and move on with my life, I couldn’t. I could not hold the secret anymore. I could not be quiet. I could not just move on. My past fundamentally and forever changed the trajectory of my life. It almost killed me.
So I know I am not alone.
I know there are others who walk with secrets and shame and pain.
So I released it for them, so they would not have to be alone with their trauma.
Now you have mine.
I pray me sharing mine helps you feel less alone in yours.
And I hope for the love of all that is holy, that we as a society change the way we look at women and girls. That we change the narrative. That we work to eradicate the underpinnings of sexual assault because the sexual assault starts long before the act. It is shaped by beliefs, ideology, narratives, upbringing, media and the fundamental idea that women/girls are up for grabs...
I pray that Untangling Samantha is a force for good in changing this so that women can feel safe in their communities, their work places, their neighborhoods, but most of all in their homes...
I really wish I could write, "Again, still..."
But we all know that one of the most unsafe places for a woman or girl, is around men or boys that profess to care...
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