I woke up at 3 am. I went to bed at 8 so it maths out. There is something both thrilling and lonely in being the only one up at 3 am. I feel solitary and present in a way that I can't when I feel the rest of the world’s presence, I feel God less. Like everything and everyone is vying for attention and it is hard to discern which one is which.
Sometimes I wake up to this blankness inside. It is just there. Not really doing much of anything...just existing and coloring my thoughts. It isn’t really depression or anxiety. It is almost a lack of feeling of anything at all.
It is never lasting. It just comes, usually at 3 am. A feeling of goneness. I can’t really describe it better than that. I am here, but gone.
So I write. I write to try to understand myself. Thinking one more time that if I can begin to unravel all that occurs in my own mind, that I will and can have a clue about yours. Sometimes it works, often it does not.
I am still baffled by human emotions, my own and others. So often feeling like I just landed on this earth and processing so much of what is going around that I am immobilized. Trying to integrate all that is occurring, all that is happening to me, for me, around me. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I feel completely locked in place. Unable to move forward...
It is hard to write about the blankness. It is hard for me to explain that nothing is wrong per se, but there’s this feeling that is out of my descriptive purview that eats at me. Perhaps some might call it loneliness and that might be a good name for it. However, it doesn’t really describe the feeling accurately for me. I am not lonely. I am just alone. I like it. I crave it. I choose it so very often. But if I am very honest, I also use it as a shield. It is protective...I am not even sure from what anymore. It is just a safe space that I need...a lot.
When I was last in a relationship, we would ask each other if we felt safe. I always said yes, but I didn’t. I lied to him because I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain that I have never, ever felt safe in an intimate relationship with a man. Never. Not once. Not their fault, well most of them it was not their fault. Just age old stuff that claws it way out of the past, leaving large scars that sometimes fester in the present.
It was only sitting here this morning that I realized that the blankness eases that discomfort. That being alone is the only salve I have ever known to release the grip of fear in all things intimate. And while it is an easy understanding as to why, alone is safer than together. I wonder if I can make a different choice...can I ever choose together instead? Together AND safe?
The blankness says no. But as the light begins to creep into my bedroom, I feel differently...I feel hopeful. I feel more able to explain. I feel emboldened by my time in the dark solitude. And I think maybe...
We shall see. I believe change is possible. Even for those gravely affected by the past. Even for those whose commitment to blankness and solitude seem the only path to follow. There is always today, a new day. A new choice. A new beginning on this old life, past and all.