Body Work...

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this:  Trauma is stored in the body.  All the things the mind works so hard to forget, to erase, remove, overlook, live through, move around, the body keeps the score.  The body, unable to leave the temporal plane, has to endure, survive, witness, hold, and eventually, release.

I have spent the last 30 years working on my mental health.  Jump starting it all with physical sobriety, then spending the next three decades working on emotional regulation, balance, symmetry and health.  But somehow along the way, I completely and totally ignored all that happened to my body.  And even though, in this long work history, I knew the body kept the score, I still ignored it. Until, the body, demanding acknowledgment for holding my fragile psyche in place and check and providing me a vehicle to make the changes of the last 30 years, was done as a back drop.

I guess neglect laid out over years and decades could really piss a body off.  And mine is letting me know that it is all done in the “I will get to that later, I will ignore the messages of pain and discomfort, I will abuse it and use it as I see fit without consequence or peril.”  My body finally just said, “Fuck this!  And you!  Here are some things you can no longer ignore.”

And still I ignored.  Moved around.  Refused to deal with.  But the body has a way of upping the ante until you capitulate.  Or better yet, surrender.

I have always been preoccupied with my body’s looks and failed to care for its wellbeing.  I have always been overly concerned with how it appeared and completely ignored how it functioned.  I took for granted its rhythms and cycles.  I pushed it beyond its limits and then judge it harshly for its failures.  I have been at a not so quiet war with it all my life.  Until recently...

I am not sure if it is middle age, the time to reflect, the pain I feel and can’t seem to rid myself of but whatever the cause, I have begun to view myself as a whole.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I can see that for decades now I have been dealing quite well with the body and spirit, but wholly neglecting the body.

And my body, aging, sagging, failing appears to be mounting an insurrection which is the only thing it could possibly do to someone who is so fucking committed to ignoring it completely.

Recently I have had some body work issues that are not resolving quickly or painlessly.  It isn’t terrible and certainly could be much worse, but it has limited me in ways that I have not been limited before.  And I have responded by being pissed off at my body instead of asking it what it needed.  I just resented it for failing me, again. Completely failing to recognize all the ways it has totally had my back (literally) all these years.  Where I dumped copious amounts of crap into it, starved it, overfed it, poisoned it, over caffeinated it and did my very best to ignore it.  I took it for granted. And I can see I am being ushered into a new time where my body, whether I like it or not, is going to get my attention one way or another.

And fuck, it is time.  For probably more than half my life, I have been abusing it and/or ignoring it.  And I am finally at a place of surrender where I think of it differently.  And I will admit that this is more out of necessity than virtue. If it was virtue, I would have led a wholly different life if taking care of my body was a high priority.  I was not willing. But I am now.

I have always been bending it to my will.  Completely missing a great deal of the time that my will was inherently flawed, misguided, delusional and sometimes, just fucking lost.  And now, for the first time in our history together, I am taking another view.  Perhaps the spirit and mind can coexist with the body completely disconnected...but what might it feel like if there was harmony and unity instead of discord?  What might it feel like to feel that my spirit, body and mind were all in alignment with each other?  How might I feel as a person if I were to prioritize that? What might the three forces of Erin do, if there was unity?

I guess I am going to have to let you know.  I’m working on it.  And right now, the body is throwing a fucking fit.  And I have to let it.  I have to let it just lose its shit and throw its tantrum.  I mean, if I had been ignored, neglected and abused for 55 years, I might be just a little pissed off also.  So I have to give it some time to express itself in ways that I may not like or would rather it didn’t.

I guess body work, like all other work, begins when you accept that you have an issue, a problem, something to overcome.  Something to have a peaceful accord with, instead of a hostage situation or outright battle.  I guess the older we get, the more we are brought to the realization that my body is what is going to decide how I live, what I do and what I don’t do, and if I do not do the work and rehabilitation it requires, I am going to pay.

And I could be pissed and pissy about this and treat my body with contempt, but where has that ever gotten me, ever?  In pain, lost and stuck in something I would rather not have for way longer than I wanted or needed to.

Body work begins when we stop taking it for granted and begin to see that while it is our human host, the level of disconnection we allow shall be the harbinger of what is to come.  Like everything else in this life, I have two choices:  fight until I have blocked out the reality of my situation or surrender to the truth and live a contented existence. The choice is always mine.

Again, still...