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Crazy Convergence...

That is going to be tomorrow...

I am getting a new roof and solar installed starting tomorrow...and I am dreading it. For a lot of reasons but mostly because it will be the convergence of my neighbor’s craziness raining down upon me.

She is here again from LA. I got home from Big Sur yesterday and as I drove into my driveway, she was outside with her friend. Just like a mean girl in junior high, she exclaimed “GREAT!” In a sarcastic and mean voice as I simply drove up to my home.

This is nothing new. Living next to a bully who yells at you over the fence, says mean shit all the time, hurls insults at you and generally lets you know every nasty thought she has about you, isn’t fun. But it is my reality. I live next door to crazy...and mean.

I would love to say that I know why she hates me so much...there was the tree incident but even that doesn’t explain the level of venom she has for me. Now everything I do is colored with her hate and ire. I can do nothing right, so everything I do is wrong.

I didn’t tell her about the roofers...I do not speak to her. I do not invite crazy into my life, that much I do have control over. But I do live next-door to crazy and mean and I am sure this next week is going to be filled with lots of both.

She seems to have this idea that I sit over here in my house and think of ways to be inconsiderate to her, to piss her off and to hurt her. I can honestly say that never once have I done this. Not one single time. Mostly I try to not do things to piss her off...but that is impossible because apparently my existence on this planet is bothersome to her. Literally my breathing is a problem for her and a direct affront to her. She takes everything I do personally, like last night when I had the audacity to return home and pull into my driveway. She could not help herself...she had to let it be known that she was now pissed off by my arrival. I literally did nothing to her, I did not engage with her, I did not talk to her, I did not drive in a crazy manner past her house, I did not give her the finger, I did not even look at her (my teenage daughter was the one who observed the meanness)...I just drove into my driveway.

I would move, seriously. I hate living next to her that much...but there is nowhere to go. And I love my house. Love what I have created here. She is going to take my new roof as a personal attack and there is nothing I can do about it. I have elected not to tell her in advance because that only invites crazy over sooner. And it doesn’t matter what I much notice, how considerate I am, she will still find a reason to hate me and to be upset with me. There is nothing I can do...I am powerless over her crazy and her meanness.

I will admit that I am dreading next week. I do not want conflict with her and I do not want an issue. I try every day to pray for her and to pray to be saved from losing my shit with her. I have never been anything but respectful towards her, but even I have my breaking point and one of these days she is going to catch me on a bad day and I am going to lose it. I can feel the build up...the unfairness, the inability to effectuate any meaningful change in the status of our neighbor relations. I have tried.

Please pray for me this coming week. Pray that I can get through this without unleashing all the pent up frustration of someone who feels bullied and abused for no good reason except she is nuts.

I am going to pray and pray hard that I am able to rise above whatever fray she starts...but I will admit going in that I feel vulnerable. I wish that I had a partner, someone to protect me from her, or at least shield me from her hate. Honestly, I do not feel up to dealing with her. I am feeling overwhelmed by my own inability to feel safe in my own home. I know she didn’t cause that feeling, I did. But I can’t seem to let it go...

I pray that she goes back to LA first thing tomorrow...but I know that I am not that lucky. She will be here, probably for the entire time. I am resigned to the fact that there is nothing I can do about any of it. I considered telling her but I can’t speak to her because every time I have tried, I have been completely knocked off my game to the point that I fear what I am going to say next. Engaging with the crazy convergence is too risky. My anger and frustration too I stay away and try to avoid. Just like I do pretty much every Sunday when she hurls insults and mean spirited commentary over the fence...

Crazy may be converging but perhaps if I just work hard at keeping my side of the street clean, perhaps we can get through a new roof and solar installation without police involvement...but probably not...she did threaten to call the police on me before when she found a banana peel outside her garbage can...just to give you a quick example of what I am dealing with...

Seriously? Does she really believe that I would come onto her property (NOT IF IT WAS ON FIRE) and put a banana peel by her trash can (WHY WOULD I DO THIS? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS????). And why would someone ever think that calling the police about this ridiculous assertion would be a good idea? (BECAUSE SHE IS BANANAS!).

Not the blog I wanted to produce today but I needed to get out my hurt, my frustration and my despair. I do not know what else to do with it. I am afraid of her, I am worried about what she will do this next week and I feel completely powerless to manage the situation.

Please pray for me...seriously. I need all the help I can get to navigate the convergence of crazy that is likely coming tomorrow morning...or maybe later today if one of my other neighbors told her in advance...

I am going to try to remember that all things come to pass...even her, even an overwhelming convergence of crazy. And that I am being provided an opportunity to be kind in the face of meanness. I am going to be challenged to be polite, kind, considerate and loving...I pray that I can manage that...I am not good with being attacked. I tend to walk away, avoid, but I also know that sooner or later, I stand up. I do not back down. But I am not there today I share in the hopes that I can vent some of my fear, some of my frustration. And I will do the only thing I know to do...pray for her. Pray that she be given everything I could ever want for myself. Pray that I seek to understand rather than be understood. Pray that some sort of divinity can bring healing to a situation, if not the person. Pray that the panic that woke me up at 3 am on a Sunday passes...

Pray that I learn another lesson that I do not want from a teacher I do not like...again. I am going to try to love my neighbor...really.

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