Cushioning...

In the context of dating, "cushioning" refers to actively maintaining other romantic options while being in a relationship, often with the intention of having a fallback plan if the current relationship fails. It's essentially having "backup" partners, acting as a safety net in case of a breakup.

Back-Up Plan:

Cushioning is often used as a way to protect oneself from the emotional fallout of a breakup, essentially ensuring one won't be left completely alone or heartbroken.

Multiple Partners:

The "cushions" are other potential romantic partners with whom one maintains contact, flirts, and perhaps even dates, even while being in a relationship.

Psychological Reasons:

Cushioning can be driven by various factors, including insecurity about the current partner's interest, difficulty committing to one person, or a feeling of red flags in the current relationship.

Ethical Concerns:

Cushioning can be considered ethically questionable, especially if it involves outright cheating or deception within a committed relationship.

Potential for Harm:

While cushioning might seem like a way to protect oneself, it can also damage the current relationship and lead to long-term problems for all involved.

In essence, cushioning is a dating tactic where individuals intentionally maintain multiple romantic options to soften the blow of a potential breakup, often at the expense of their current partner's emotional well-being and the integrity of the relationship.

In the old days we simply called this “keeping your options open.”  Today we have fancier terms.  I have to say that while I am sure this has gone on forever, it seems to be at epidemic proportions currently.  I can’t tell you how many clients, friends and colleagues report that in almost every break up situation, there is at least one, usually both partners, with people waiting in the wings.  Whether there is out and out adultery is up for grabs, although that is happening more often than not.  

While this isn’t new, it certainly is manifesting and proliferating at an alarming rate.  For me, in the dating world, I just assume that everyone I might be talking to is talking to 27 other people just like they are talking to me.  And given my last relationship, it appears that that kind of behavior doesn’t stop even though it is agreed upon that it would.  I stopped.  But he didn’t.  Hell, he is still texting both me and the girl he duped into cheating on me with intermittently.  Neither of us respond, both of us having moved on in our lives, leaving him in the rearview which is the only place he belongs.

I am not sure when exactly commitment got so eroded.  I mean I grew up believing that when you are committed to one person, that means that all others are sidelined and left alone.  I have maintained friendships with male friends, but trust me when I say those are only friendships and are not with someone I previously dated.  And if we did have a fling back in 1987, I disclose that and make sure my partner is cool with it.  Not because he is in control of me and my life, but because I want him to feel safe and comfortable and to have all the information to make intelligent decisions about his life.  And I would like the same courtesy, thanks.

What happened to the golden rule?  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  Not “do whatever you want until you get caught” which seems to be today’s norm.  It is so damaging to our ability to trust, have faith and commit.  And I think that is where the rub is...

Social media has done an excellent job of getting issues out there and sharing information.  But it also brings to the forefront a certain amount of paranoia and damage.  Now whether your partner is cheating, cushioning or not, you have to think twice about it because you are bombarded with the possibility, the actual likelihood, that it can happen to you, it might be happening to you and it is happening to others at a rate that is both disheartening and alarming.

I had my own very painful experience with this dating behavior.  And now, unfortunately for me and every one that tries to date me, I am forever going to wonder if what I feel is real and whether or not the person I feel the love for is really real or just engaging in an elaborate con that I just can’t see yet.

To say my trust was annihilated would be an understatement.  I do not want to punish another with the trauma he left me with which is why I took some time to heal, still go to therapy and have just causally dated since that final blow happened.  

I personally would love to return to the place in time that I didn’t know about any of these fucking terms.  That we were back to a place where you like him and he liked you and that was what you began as a baseline for an ongoing relationship.  Each of you being trustworthy and genuine in your desire to grow the connection between you and only you deeper and stronger.

Now, I admit, I trust no one.  I waver back and forth with being willing to do the hard work to trust again and retreating to a place where I am not sure I even have it in me to do again.

I think the most damaging thing that happens to you in these fucked up dating situations is that you lose all faith and trust in yourself.  If you inventory YOUR part in the whole debacle you have to conclude, as I did, that I had a part.  I ignored red flags, I put up with a great deal of bullshit that I should have called out earlier and more often and I likely should have NEVER dated him to begin with.  I am not blameless.  Unfortunately though, my participation in the awfulness that was to ultimately come, is something that I am not sure I will ever recover from. 

Now I hold every man at arm’s length and pick apart everything he says.  I doubt where I would have trusted and perhaps that is a good thing given today’s dating climate and the ensuing dumpster fires that abound when you do not use careful and calculated discernment.

I don’t need 27 options.  I do not need a cushion.  I just want one guy that thinks I am worthy of his full attention and then is willing to give it to me to see if we can make a go of this whole endeavor.  And I, of course, will do the same.

Keeping your options open is a chicken shit thing to do.  That is not respectable or really all that mature.  We are not 17 anymore.  We do not have our whole lives ahead of us, in fact, the greater part of our lives are, in fact, behind us.  You would think that this would make us less susceptible to this kind of bullshit but it appears, at least to me, that this truncated timeline only makes the problem worse, not better.

I just want one guy that I can trust, enjoy, laugh with who cares how I feel and is willing to work on our difference of opinions, needs and issues in a healthy and loving way.  Just fucking one.  But in the land of cushions and options, it appears that this idea of two people loving each other is antiquated and irrelevant as times marches on.  And I will tell you, I do not like where I see us headed.  Humanity’s relationships and intimacy is in peril...trust me, I have had a ringside seat to love’s demise for the past 30 years and it is worse now than it has ever been.

Sigh.

Again...still.

Fuck.