Life presents us choices. Lots of them. All the time, every day. And for the most part, we are always in charge of the choices we make...
What we want for breakfast, if we even want breakfast.
Who we date, or not.
What time to go to bed, or not.
Where we direct our energy.
What career path we choose.
Whom we marry, or not.
Whether we have children, or not.
Lots of choices, all day, every day.
But sometimes, all of the choices are not to our liking. Sometimes, we need and should select D, None of the above.
It has taken me a very long time to realize that choosing none of my options, is in fact a choice. I am making a choice. I am choosing to say, in effect, “thank you universe for all the options, I do not want one of them!”
Even though it is hard to fathom, that is the easy part. Sitting with the vacuum created by the failure to choose one of the presented options, is no easy task...at least for me.
Often times I am overwhelmed with fear.
“What if there are no more choices?”
"What if I a totally fucking up my life by not choosing A, B or C?"
“What if Choice A is really the right choice?”
“What if I choose nothing and that turns out to be the biggest mistake ever?”
“What if...?”
The "What Ifs" are endless in my head.
All of the above questions are rooted in fear. And they all undercut my ability to have confidence in myself, and my choices.
The older I get, the more I realize how important “D, None of the Above,” actually is. Because it is the choice most likely to allow me to sit with myself and survey my interior landscape.
I went to a gathering yesterday and one of the many topics that was thrown around was this idea of the realm of the spirit. And it was a good one. One that I could relate to, in of course, a weird way.
I have long wanted to be a part of the world of the spirit. I have wanted to have that inner peace and acceptance about myself, for myself. I have wanted to stay in my lane and allow others the same right. But I have been largely occupied with the worship of other things: money, power, love, sex, things. I have allowed myself to be distracted, to be pushed around and along by things that have never, ever served me.
Relationships that went nowhere.
Jobs that were never all that fulfilling
Friendships that we very one sided.
Ideas based on self that always led me back to the brink.
I tended to make my choices based on ego. And I suffered.
As I sat there listening yesterday to those people share their experience with the spiritual realm, I realized that we all do the same thing: doubt. None of us is ever really sure that what we are doing, who we are doing it with and where we are doing it is the right course. And all of us second guess our choices.
Today, I really believe that it is all an inside job. I will always be presented with external choices. I will always have the A, B and C choices. But perhaps the bravest choice I have ever made is D, None of the above. Because it requires that I sit with nothing, rejecting all other options, while having faith that eventually, something else will come along.
I am there again. Where I really feel pulled towards D. I do not like any of my current choices. And I am wondering why I am spending so long, pencil hovering in midair, afraid to make the only selection that leaves me with a nothing, that I feel to my core is the choice that really gives me everything?
Because nothing feels like the most something thing of all. Nothing feels like my most bold move here. Nothing, means that I am making a choice based on faith and little else. And it flies in the face of fear, which always tells me to take an option, any option I am presented with and carry on playing it safe.
But I do not want a safe life. I want a life that has safety. A life that is mine, and feels like it is lived upon spirit. That spirit that lives inside me. That place I go to where I find God. Always I seek without, then one day, I stop. I look around and notice that all I have ever wanted resides within. God, or whatever you want to call it, lives within me and the only place I can really ever access it, is alone time with myself so that all the Erinness of my being can be quelled into quiet benevolence. An obedience if you will, not so much to God but to the spiritual principles by which my life, if practiced, increases exponentially.
I have always wished that I could access God by the worship of other things. But what I have found is that my insistence that the life be made meaningful by the worship of worldly things, only makes me sicker. Only rips me apart and pulls me under. That is all that making Choice A, B or C has gotten me. They are the safe choices. They are the choices of a spiritual chicken.
Choice D, none of the fucking above, is radical. And my God, is fucking radical. Huge sweeping changes, that always begin as a murmuring deep within me that send shockwaves through my life. And always, at least, so far, I have been delivered to a better, more suitable place to deepen my understanding of this life, myself and how I fit in, or don’t.
There are a lot of ways to make choices in this life. And often I feel like I am in the showcase showdown part of the life show: presented with a wonderful showcase that is mine for the taking, and it is a good one. New car, new boat, luxury vacation, cash, a fucking Vitamix. But as I stand there, being presented with a very good choice, I wonder what waits for me behind door number two. How could it get any better than what I have already won? What propels me forward? Greed? Is it always about getting more? Are all of my choices based on more? Always? Or can I stand on the stage of my life and say quite simply, “I don’t want any of it. Thank you so much for having me. This has been fun. Give my showcase to someone else. I do not want any of my choices currently.”
Now that is fucking radical! D, None of the Above. Fuck, do I really have it in me? Can I really decide that I do not want that which I haven’t got?
Fuck yes I can. So I will.
