If you look at my life in totality, you would not be impressed. I am not a hero that rushes into burning buildings or makes daring combat rescues. However, I do believe that I have a more watered down version of being courageous...
I have been a warrior for the truth. My own and an honest desire to help others. I have been willing to look at my life, my integrity (or lack thereof) and be honest about it...I mean really honest, like rip back the candy coated covering and really look at what is available for me and to me.
And I have found that that takes a lot of courage. It is not easy to meet yourself where you are and see that it is quite far off the mark from where you want to be or even where you thought you were...
To look honestly and intently in the direction of your own dysfunction is hard and good and painful. But having an honest and sincere desire to really see what you hold available for yourself and others is an often daunting but worthwhile task.
Inventory helps a lot. A constant and unfailing willingness to shovel off all the bullshit my ego throws on top of everything and really look at what is there that I can use.
It is kind of like going to the grocery store...
Every week I go to the grocery store. I come home with all these fresh items that are sure to provide the sustenance for the week to come. Which is really a load of crap because what I really buy is the crap that we will eat. It is survival food, not ultimately healthy and nutrient dense. It is the stuff that we can all grab that will get us over the hump. It is the stuff that kids (my kids) will actually eat.
Every week when I haul $300 worth of stuff home, I have to make room in the fridge for it. Often, there is still a great deal left over from the last week which didn’t pass muster on the children’s preferred food intake schedule. So I stare into the refrigerated abyss inventorying that which can withstand another week and that which is long past its expiration date. I have to use discernment to decide what remains and what has to go...
The entire process requires courage. Now you may think that I am watering down the word for this blog. And perhaps I am. However, taking any kind of inventory involves courage because you have to really look and see what is there in front of you. Delusional or magical thinking (the kids will eat that spinach if I keep it awhile longer) serves no one and allows items to take up space that could be better used for fresh items that actually have a chance at being eaten...
Of course the refrigerated inventory is just a silly method to open up a discussion about courage. There are all kinds of courage required to live your life. But it all starts with being wiling and able to meet yourself where you are and ferret out where you are holding back, holding on and allowing things to spoil in their spot.
I was recently chided (ok, it was suggested) that I was too hard on myself. That I am using this blog to excoriate myself and my progress. I do not see it that way at all. I am not beating on myself here everyday. I am using this platform to push myself to be better, try harder and letting you know when I fail...which is often. I am working on a spiritual solution for living which requires a fair amount of courage to stay awake and open and be willing to share it with all of you. So much easier to seal it all off and tell you that I am doing fucking fantastic, move along nothing to see here...But that would not be authentic or real or even very interesting. I am writing and putting it out there because I want you to know that I am living. I am trying and failing in the hopes that you can relate your own living and failing to mine. That we can create a forum to discuss spiritual principles and their related application to our lives. I have to tell you the truth and I have found that that takes an immense amount of courage because I would so much rather lie to you and tell you I am fine and nothing hurts.
For me the most courageous thing I have done in recent years is to write this blog. To let you in. Tell you how I think and feel and open myself up to judgment, criticism and dismissal. But this isn’t about gaining approval or getting followers, this is about one human being living her life and being willing to share it, really put it all out there in an effort to live out loud and with gusto and a deep true desire to connect with others on the path. I need it but it requires a lot of courage for me to rally every day, write it all down and open up.
We live in a a complicated world that is full of very good reasons to hide ourselves away. This blog is a simple and hopefully humble reminder to myself that I am here living this life, trying my best to say when it hurts, when it feels amazing and when it all feels lost and hopeless. And, for me, that takes a lot of courage...every single day. And what I find by spending the courage letting you in, is that I get to live more free in my own skin. I am not walking around letting things rot and fester in the refrigerator of my soul...
