Not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive; a clear and concise understanding of what we are, followed by a sincere desire to become what we can be.
Fuck that is a tough one. I have been so proud and even haughty at times. Thinking that I know shit. I have been arrogant and anyone who knows me knows I have no issue with assertiveness. But throughout the years, I have come to a clear and concise understanding of who I am. And I will tell you today, it isn’t all that pretty. I am sitting in a place where I am engaging in conduct and behavior that I know doesn’t comport with a life based on spiritual principles...yet here I am all the same.
I could give you a lot of good reasons why I am where I am. Or doing what I am doing. But they all fall short of where I would like to be as a person. I do have a sincere desire to become who I can be instead of making a list of all the reasons I am the way that I am.
So while I do not have humility, I am hopeful that I have the willingness to work on it.
I am often chastised for being too hard on myself. That this blog has become some sort of confessional for me to beat myself up. While I can understand why some might see it that way, that isn’t the intent or how I feel about what I am writing. I started this whole deal because I felt like I lacked authenticity. I was having trouble figuring out who the fuck I was. I was having trouble being me. I was forever dressing me up in my perceived version of myself that I thought you wanted...never really giving you all that I had to offer. Hiding the parts that I didn’t think fit or weren’t worthwhile enough.
The inception of this blog was to bring some unity to my soul. To be able to tell you when I hurt, why I hurt, how I managed to get myself into this position and what I was going to do to change it. That was the intent. To let you in. To show you who I really am even when that isn’t pretty or honorable or perfect or whatever.
In order to do that, I have to be honest. I have to say when I am engaging in less than stellar behavior which is every day lately. I am not excoriating myself - I am human and I can see that most of my “bad” behavior is due to instincts gone awry and not because I am this horrifically bad person.
What I have learned in this last year as I wrap up the Mansbatical is that most of my less than spiritual conduct is a direct result of me having no idea of my own worth. I am not right sized. I see myself as less than or better than instead of human...trying to sort it all out.
Humility is the place where I get leveled. I used to only experience this kind of ego deflation by humiliation, humility’s henchman. And, unfortunately, I sometimes still do. But more often than ever before, I get to experience a feeling of being acutely aware of my dysfunction WHILE trying to do better. And boy am I here today.
It is painful though to walk with the knowledge that you are not living up to all you could be. It is painful to be somewhat clueless as to why you are doing what you are doing while knowing it is not ok, but still engaging in the conduct. It is hard to walk that line. However, I know that in the walking of that line, I will do the right thing...eventually. Again, I move at the speed of pain...always.
I hope that I am able to sort my shit out before the complete leveling of myself. Sometimes I can. Other times, I have to get my ass handed to me for me to wake up and smell the humiliating shit that I have gotten myself into...it takes less today than it used to...so there’s some growth.
I guess what I am most baffled by today is that I do not see or feel that I deserve more from myself. Why am I always so willing to accept so much less than I am willing to give to others? What the fuck is that? How do I get rid of it? What can I do differently?
Here are a few things tangible that I think I (we) can do to improve our humility skills:
Spend time listening to others. ...
Practice mindfulness, and focus on the present. ...
Be grateful for what you have. ...
Ask for help when you need it. ...
Seek feedback from others on a regular basis. ...
Review your actions against the language of pride.
So that is what I am going to continue to do...and try to be open for feedback about where I am in all of this. Because regardless of how much I fuck it up, I really do have a deep and abiding desire to grow, change and become better than I was yesterday...
