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Day 52 - What I Have Learned in 50 Years

Well the day is finally here. 50 years ago at 4:37 am I was born. I want to take this blog to tell you what I know for sure at 50.

I know that I was born to parents that love me. Always have and I am pretty sure if I don’t totally fuck it up, always will. Thank you mom for enduring an extra 23 days of pregnancy - I was not quite ready yet. Only thing in my life that I haven’t been in a hurry for...

I know that I had the best example for being a mother. Mom, thank you for being my confidant, my best friend and for always loving me no matter who I was or what an asshole I was being.

I know I had a father that never gave up. Thank you Dad for always being the dad that took us to amusement parks, showed up at my sporting events even when it was a logistical nightmare and thank you for always supporting my decisions even when you thought they were stupid.

I know I had a marriage that while not lasting produced the two best children ever. Thank you to my ex-husband. Thank you for loving me and marrying me. Thank you for our children. They are the greatest loves of my life. Thank you for letting me go when I needed to leave and for working hard to continue to have a decent relationship with me.

I know I have a son who is smart, the kindest most loving soul I know. Thank you to my son. Thank you for showing me how to love even when the circumstances are hard. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for your undying love even though our relationship is often challenging.

I know I have a daughter that everyone calls mini me. That is the best compliment I can ever have - to be compared to her! I know she is the most empathic, loving soul that is easily wounded by the hardness in this world. Thank you to my daughter. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing me to have the relationship with you that I had with my mom. Thank you for thinking I am amazing and telling me that all the time.

I know I am lucky enough to have the love and intimacy with 6 amazing women that support my every day, every fucking day. That love me even when I am kind of an ass. Thank you to my Tribe. Thank you for being 16 again with me. Thank you for being great examples of women who do not have it all figured out at 50 but make life interesting, fun, comforting and doable. Thank you for always having my back. Thank you for being the group of girlfriends I always needed but never had. Thank you for being such great examples of bad ass women who love fiercely with all of their being. Thank you for walking me through divorce, dating, falling in love, heartbreak, desire, boredom, sex, and now middle age. I think I could do it alone but it would not be this much fun for sure. And I wouldn’t want to. You make my life richer and more interesting every day. Long live The Tribe.

I know that I have the best job in the world for me. Thank you to my job. Thank you Greg and Penny for seeing something in me that I did not really see at the time. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for giving me a vehicle to change my life. Thank you for being so kind and generous. Thank you for allowing me to help build something amazing. Thank you for allowing me to hire our staff, I truly do not know where we would be without them. Thank you to our staff who always give us 110%. Thank you for being amazing examples of dedication, integrity, intelligence and humor. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of something so much bigger than us all. Thank you to our clients for allowing us into to your most private and personal world. Thank you for sharing your pain, loss and sorrow. Thank you for allowing me to help you along on your journey. Thank you for always reminding me that nothing lasts forever...not even divorce.

I know that I have a lot of people that are on the periphery of my life that I would like to know more fully. Thank you Rayme for giving me this amazing 3 day retreat in a town I love. Thank you for the cake upon arrival and for this most amazing staff and hotel. You have done an amazing job with this gem of a hotel. Hotel Californian is a place that I will come back to every time I need to recharge and revitalize myself.

I know that I have had a life that has been blessed with love and friendship. I have never had to do anything alone. Thank you to all of my friends. Thank you for loving me and supporting me all these years. I know that I am often difficult, sometimes prickly and withdrawn. Thank you for loving me anyway.

I know that I have new people walk into my life that bring unexpected gifts. Thank you Jason for your friendship, music and a place to throw my shin dig tonight. I am very grateful.

I know that I am so lucky to be in recovery. Thank you to all the people who make up this crazy, beautiful movement. Thank you for sharing your pain, grief, loss and incomprehensible demoralization so that I would have a place to share my own. Thank you for giving me a life that is worth living. Thank you for allowing me to come to terms with all the horrible things that have happened in my life and helping me turn those things into this most amazing asset that has the power to help others.

I know that I am healthy and vibrant. Thank you to my body for enduring years of abuse and not completely making middle age suck. I have treated you so terribly all these years. Thank you for giving me a temple to desecrate and still allowing me to reside here. Thank you for allowing me to hate you until I could accept and love you in your current flawed form.

I know that I have been lucky to be loved by some pretty amazing men. Thank you to all the men I have dated. Thank you for the time we spent together. Thank you for the kindness, the abuse, the pain and the joy. I learned a lot from all of it. I learned that I blamed you for a lot of things that were actually my fault. I learned from you that men are different from women and that that is ok. I learned that I needed everyone of you to show me how to love myself. Thank you for being one of my greatest teachers.

I know that I have been in madly in love once in my life. I know that I loved him with all that I had. Thank you Lane for giving me that opportunity. Thank you for breaking my heart. It has allowed so much light to get in and I have grown into a more loving person because of our love. Thank you for leaving me too. While I wanted it to last forever, I can see now that was more a function of my own dysfunction than it was a good ending to our story.

I know that I am so blessed to have a mouthpiece for my growth in this blog. Thank you to my readers, supporters and believers. You will never know how much your simple act of reading this every day means to me. I am humbled and honored.

I know that my daily practice of writing, meditation and yoga nourishes my soul. Thank you to routine, discipline and restoration. It has made my life so much richer.

I know that I am the best version of myself that I have ever been. I know that I needed every single person that has walked in and out of my life in order to become who I am today. Thank you for the minor players, the walk on cast and for all the major players. Without you, I would have ended up being someone else.

I know that I am lucky to be here. I am perfect just as I am, and I could always use a little work. I know that sometimes that little work feels like too much. I know that when I feel this way, I am blessed to have a ton of people to help me. I know that today I have the most amazing life that I am proud of, love and cherish. I know that I have lived my best life every one of these past 50 years even when it seemed that I was more intent on burning it to the ground. I have learned that sometimes you have to be willing to let it crumbled to be rebuilt. I have learned that one of the best things I can do in this life, is to begin again...repeatedly.

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