We are celebrating Christmas today because my kids leave tomorrow to go to their dad’s house for the actual holiday. I am still in denial that my son is going to stay there and not come back. More on that later...
I put all the presents under the tree - there is only one for me and while once upon a time that would have hurt my feelings, it doesn’t today. In fact, I am happy that the presents are for others...for a couple of reasons.
First, my birthday was just last month and I will fully own that I pretty much bought myself whatever I wanted. I am not kidding. I can show you my credit card receipt for proof.
Second, Christmas has always been a hard day for me. So many expectations. So much disappointment. All the things I hoped for and didn’t get. Especially when I was in a relationship but even as a kid. Christmas is hard for someone who has a hard time with the concept of enough. I have struggled with this concept my whole life. Finally coming to the conclusion that there will never be enough of anything for me. Ever. Having finally accepted this about myself has brought immense peace. That false sense of entitlement aerated by some humility and acceptance of the fact that I was born a quart low in all areas and I have spent a lifetime trying to fill that up. But the joke has been on me because my DNA dictates that I will forever be a quart low. That is my baseline.
Today when I look under the tree, I see all the love I am giving. And that warms my heart and makes me feel good. It isn’t about me. It is an opportunity to bring joy to the ones I love. To be happy without thinking about myself. For me, this feels like freedom because forever and a day I have not been able to do that! Not even a little.
So on this not really, but really Christmas morning, I have enough. I am enough. I need nothing. I sit in my warm, cozy bed, cat on my lap, hot coffee on my bedside, in my charming little cottage of a home. Safe, warm, my son just crawling into bed with me. Snuggling with him even though he is 14 and too old for this. Today I can see the gifts all around me. Not just on Christmas, but every day. I can see that all that exists in my life today as a gift that I am privileged to have, be a part of and enjoy.
Today, I will watch others unwrap the things they said they wanted. I will watch them enjoy the moment and hopefully feel the love. What I will open is my heart and mind to having this day mean something new for me. It is a day that I give tangible items but receive the intangible, untouchable things that make life really worth living.
I will not bemoan my lack of gifts, I will enjoy the people in my life that matter most. In my home where I have built this crazy life I live. I will be present and soak up every moment of laughter and joy. I will even enjoy the memories of years past when I was different and life was different. I will enjoy it all and feel present.
Perhaps the best gift I will receive this year is the freedom from self. To not spend the day chained to thinking about myself and what I want or need. That particular bondage so limiting and hard. Being a quart low is ok today because I am not pretending to be something else. I am just present with my defaults and it is all ok. I can love myself and others despite their frailties.
It is funny, until just now I never knew how much my thoughts screwed up Christmas. I was giving to get...always. I was limited by my own selfishness. Today, it feels amazing to be free from me. To be able to enjoy myself and others relieved from my thoughts of worthiness.
Today I feel the love. Today I give the love. Today I experience the love. Today I have enough which is all I have ever wanted really.
I pray that each and every person gets the opportunity this year to have at least one moment where they feel enough. For me, it is the best gift I have ever given myself and in turn others. May you experience the day feeling enough of all that is good and loving. I am going to go snuggle with my son before he remembers he is 14...
