Down Bad, Crying at the Gym...

I mean there are lots of reasons to cry at the gym:

Actual pain

Your gym crush met someone else

You just do not feel like working out today

Hormonal shifts

Someone keeps taking the next machine you need and then sits on it for an hour scrolling Instagram

A song comes on that takes you back to him, or her, or that

You are present enough with yourself, as you push yourself, to actually feel your feelings

It was the later the other day.  Just there doing bench presses and all of a sudden I am crying.  Not full boo hoo hysterics, but the tears just began streaming and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  This was not the first time this happened to me, but it was the first time in a long time.

There is something about physical limit pushing that allows for the fuller expression of my emotional range.  Perhaps my inner prison guard who sits patiently waiting, in full riot gear, for any emotion to surface that feels vulnerable, unmanageable, hard, sad, whatthefuckever, is distracted by my physical exertion.  Like my emotional prison guard is distracted by the counting of reps, the increase in volume, the physical expression of working out, and In that distraction, there is an emotional jailbreak.  I have no idea, I just know that that jackass was fucking off duty and thus the river of tears flowed without my consent or permission.

And as usual, it brought me up short.  I have always prided myself at having a tight rein over my “weaker” emotions, which would be those emotions most likely to bring about tears and crying.  And as a general rule, this is something I prefer to do at home, alone, or in nature, surrounded by no one and the great expanse of nothing.  And also as usual, I learned one more time that it is, in fact, those lesser emotions that have and will likely always kick my ass.  And take an incredible amount of strength to allow expression and flow.

So I didn’t run to the bathroom,  I didn’t stop and try to hide them, I just kept pressing those dumbbells in the air over and over.  I figured anyone watching me would likely think I was in physical pain.  And would not want to intrude on my body and I working it all out.  But in fact, it was not physical at all that was being exorcized, it was emotional pain.  It was the trap I find myself in with a person I love very much.  It was the free flow of emotions that somehow, despite me and the prison guard's best efforts, managed to break out and free themselves from the confines of my tight emotional lockdown.

It didn’t last long.  My workout went on as scheduled but it was a message that I am not as ok as I am pretending to be.  I am sad.  Despondent.  Lost.  Scared.  Worried.  Heartbroken.  Sad, wait I said sad.  Well I am so fucking sad I guess it bears mentioning again.  And as I have previously owned, I do not do sad well.

I guess I am grateful for the emotional prison break.  I am grateful that I can cry, even in unexpected or inappropriate places, that I have access to those parts of myself that were for a very long time, not within my purview, grasp or reach. They were locked up In solitary confinement, a place that though I was regulated to many times, had no access to also.

When I was done with the sets, I got up, blew my nose and proceeded with the rest of the workout.  They say that tears are pain leaving the body, and the other day that was quite true for me.  I wish I could say I felt so much better, but I really don’t.  This is just going to be one of those hurts that takes awhile to get over, if I ever do.  I know the other person is suffering too and that only makes me feel worse, not better.

Sometimes we are just sad, and lost and scared and unsure of where to go next.  And that too is as it should be.  I have been over the situation in my head a million times, I keep going over the pain of the rupture like a tongue finds the loose tooth without tiring or peace.  I cannot see a different outcome no matter how many times and variations my head conjures, and I wish I could just stop trying, but I can’t.  This is just where I am right now....ruminating, wringing my hands and wishing, quite desperately, for an alternative, better outcome.  But that is not mine today, maybe it will be for another day, but for days right now, I am just going to cry at the gym and tell myself this too shall pass and it will be ok...

Again, still...