Everything is Working Out...

This is what the tarot card reader told me to start as a mantra...

And I didn’t even know that I needed the reassurance.

But everything does always work out, doesn’t it?  Not always the way we want or think it should or desire or whatever.  But it does always work out. Why do I seem to lose track of that fact so often?

Middle life is such a weird place to be. 

I know the assignment, enjoy the life I have, relish the life I have been gifted thus far and not spend too much time, money and energy trying to stave off the inevitabilities of older age.  I know the assignment.

I still have a hard time with it some days.  I am not ready to be old.  I am not ready to go quietly into any good night.  I am not ready to walk the shadowy valley.  But life doesn’t really give a fuck if I am having a hard time or ready or whatever.  Life is going to be here with me, until it isn’t.  And I am never going to know when life will abandon me.

So I guess, in the interim, the best I can do is to enjoy, relish, savor, be present, heal, live, love, laugh, read, write, work, be present for the life that I get today.

When get too far out in front of myself, it helps me to recall:

I am cared for

I am fed

I am warm

I am housed

I am blessed

I am sober

I am loved more than I can stand somedays

I am and have enough

And even as I say all of that, there is this feeling of arrogance in even believing it shall all work out for me.  Like somehow I just don’t deserve it. Like somehow I, unlike any other person on the planet, am less deserving than others.  And I am not sure how to reconcile that with the very blessed life I am living.  I guess, for me, there is always going to be this feeling that I am living above my station, that I am getting more than my share even as I strive to get more than my share and the universe blesses me with this amazing life I get to enjoy.

Everything is always working out, just not the way I ever think it should or will or whatever.

So today, I am going to do my best to get out of my own way and just trust that what is happening is what is supposed to be happening.  That I am being led and guided towards the growth I need to do and that the faith I lean on shall continue to support me even in all my unworthiness.

Again, still...