Exploration...

I have always been an explorer.  My neighborhood, a tree, friend’s homes, things like that when I was a kid.  And that childish curiosity just never left.  I want to see things, experience things.  I am content to stay put but not forever.

I am also one to explore feelings and thoughts.  Why do I feel this way?  Where did that thought come from?  It is part of a vibrant and sometimes insane inner life I have today.

I almost bought a new house yesterday.  Walked right up to the line, got all of my shit in order and then decided not to do it.  It isn’t time, and I can feel that deeply.  After a lifetime of being a piler on of new things, complications and way too many cats, I have taken a step back and made some adjustments.  

I love the new home.  And it would have so much more space than my current home.  And the kids and I would be very happy with a pool.  Hell, I would be very happy with a pool.  But it just isn’t time.  I would then have three houses to look after.  My current one (it would be rented), my mom’s house and then this new one.  And when all was said and done, I just don’t want all of that complication.  Tenants and broken things to constantly fix and deal with.  

I am happy to have explored the option.  But I am grateful to make the decision to just stay where I am for now.  Who knows, maybe I will make another decision on another day and another house.  But today, staying put is the right decision for me, after much exploration and crunching of numbers.

Which brings up another point about middle age which can be discussed in more depth later:  there are things that I still want in this life, but am finding the window is closing on me having the stamina and energy to keep them up.  That whole living on a ranch in the middle of nowhere?  Yeah, without a partner I don’t think I want to do it anymore.  I crave it but I also know that I have limited energy stores and I don’t want to put myself into a situation where I have to work that hard.

I am grateful for my willingness to explore options.  To run things through and by.  But part of exploration is knowing when to stop.  To not take that trip that feels off.  To stay put when the itch comes but the timing is all wrong.  I never thought I would ever be someone who put down roots and then stayed there.  But that appears to be what I did here in Ojai. Inadvertent for sure, but life supporting nevertheless.

Sometimes exploration takes you on far flung journeys.  Sometimes those far away places exist only in the contours of your own heart and mind.  It is good to explore, but it is sometimes better to walk right up to the line and decide that the exploration isn’t worth all the trouble...

I am not buying a new house.  And that is as it should be.  I love mine.  Sure there are things I would like to change about it.  But in reality, it provides me everything I need and want.  This home was my first house after my divorce and I have lovingly made it home.  I raised my children to adulthood here.  My mom and Dad moved from Florida to be close to me in this home.  I have a catio for all the cats.  I have a nice yard for my dog.  I have a lovely space that wreaks of Erin.  Every nook and cranny is me.

Sure, I could start all over in some place new.  But if I am really honest, I would have such a hard time letting someone else live in my current home.  I would be so possessive of it.  Irritated with changes they would make.  Sometimes you make the home and sometimes the home makes you.

I pray I never lose my wonder and willingness to explore.  However, I hope I always bring a level head and discernment about what I want and why.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the wanting, we lose the plot as to why we want it.  And sometimes, we know what is absolutely right for us, only after a little exploration.

Again, still...