Exquisite Mornings..

I woke up this morning writing this post, but then I fell back asleep and now what I want to say is fuzzier.  Dammit.  I should have just began when I woke up at 5!

I will do my best...

I have been thinking about those time in my life where I have been blessed to wake up next to someone I want, being a person that I want to be.  It had been an almost three years since I had someone in my bed.  Where we woke up, post sex, tired in all the best ways and just lounged in bed, talking, drinking coffee and luxuriating.

Sometimes I deeply loved the person, sometimes it was more temporal, quite perfect in its own way but with the knowledge that it was never going to be lasting.  I think those might even be better, an intense connection that is clipped in time to a particular place that is fleeting.  I always wanted to have the war correspondence love affair where war and time and work kept the love to a particular place and time.  But we all know how much I am a fan of seeing the ending at the beginning.  And how much more perfect can that be then a love affair kicked off in a war zone.  Think Hemingway...

Anyway, this morning I think of myself as I lie in bed, sun shining on my hands as they type, and remembering the times that I woke in this same bed, tangled up in a man that did not and would not last forever.  And it strikes me that it no longer makes me sad.  I feel only happy thoughts at the memories.  I am grateful for the men, and their place in my life.

I feel like I am coming to know love and loving better.  For most of my life, love was about occupation and attachment.  The older I get the more I feel unbound from the confines of convention and having to make a big deal about sex and commitment and love and all of that...now, as time draws ever closer, I find myself immensely grateful for the time spent, in repose, connecting, loving, sharing regardless of how long it might last, or, in fact, did last.

There is nothing better, for me, than waking in the morning next to a man I feel connected to, regardless of depth, I mean, obviously, if they are in my bed, I have allowed them into my home and sanctuary, which is a rare event in my life.  This is not to say that all sex goes like this in my life, but you are truly special to me, if I invite you in and let you stay.  Nothing better than relishing the sight of his naked body, tangled in the sheets as daylight turns our bodies into a canvas of light and shadow.  Turning into each other and long discussions about everything and nothing over steaming coffee.

There are many things in my life that I enjoy immensely but there is nothing quite like these exquisite mornings spent with someone I am attracted to in body and in soul...and I relish them in a way that is hard to describe.

I am not sure if my idea of love is changing or if I am just aging and that is forcing the perspective change.  Lifetimes seem out of reach for me anymore, and so perhaps, the gift of lifetime love being taken off the table, is that I can more deeply care, be present for and enjoy the more temporal love and loving.  Sex is not love, I get that. But there is carnal knowledge and desire that grants passage, sometimes, for a deep level of connection that shall be temporary but exquisite in its own right.

I don’t know how many more exquisite mornings I shall get in this life time, but I will tell you that the last one I had, shall remain forever etched into my mind.  I cherish it, savor it and am so very grateful for it and him and the connection shared.

Perhaps possession is what always seems to ruin it for me.  The idea that two people shall belong to one another forever corrupts the bond, the connection for me.  The idea, now that connection lives a life of its own, and occupation and commitment are things that exist for other people, feels far away and fleeting and that feels good and right and healing.  Which might seem counterintuitive to some, but for me, feels like a new becoming.

I feel privileged to have ever enjoyed these kinds of mornings.  The last one living on a loop in my mind...a sacred place I can visit whenever I want...

Again, still...