Falling in Love with People Who Need Love...

I realized, awhile ago, I have a tendency to fall in love with people who need to be loved, but are not all that great at loving me back...

And I am really good at finding these people.  Like really, really good.

It is a lot like finding a bucket with a hole in it, depending on the size of the hole, you might still be able to carry water in it, but it is never going to fully satisfy the job.  Like ever.

In order to stop doing this, I had to figure out why I did this.  Why would I select people who would let me love them but weren’t really capable of loving me back?  Why would I ever sign up for such an imbalance deal?

Because it feels powerful in the beginning.  It fed into my need to be in control and it asked very little of me, I could be safe, loving someone else, and this other person didn’t really enter my world at all.  And sometimes, I am embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes years went by and I didn’t see that there was this huge imbalance in the relationship.  Then I was totally perplexed as to why this imbalance existed.  Ummmm, because I failed to see that was my whole deal from the beginning.

I am pretty good at loving. I show up, I give, I think of the other person’s needs and wants, I am in it with them.  I enjoy giving, way less uncomfortable than receiving for me, so I tend to do that a lot right out of the gate, and that sets the tone for whatever happens next.  And then I really don’t like what happens next:  to find myself committed to someone who isn’t really capable or interested in loving me back.  Fuck, if I had a nickel!

Anyway, I think a lot of us are like this.  We see how much this other person needs love, and we see how much we have to give and so it seems like the perfect set up.  And it is, but not for what we ultimately want.  We want a partner, but the dynamic is off from the word go.  The balance of effort, the love given, the interest level maintained, are all out of sorts.  But we are so into our efforts to give love to someone who needs it, that we fail to see that we are never going to get much back.  So as long as we can be content in this one way street kind of situation, we will be just fine.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the best at receiving.  And that is because I hate asking for things.  I would just rather do it all myself.  So much less disappointment that way.  I know exactly what my needs are...so they are not always easy to meet, but they are easier to ascertain.  And it is way easier to not get let down, if you are always in charge of meeting your own needs.  I mean, I do not feel nearly as disappointed when I fail to meet my own needs, but boy if you fail to do it, a whole lotta shit goes down over here!  Of course, you would know nothing about it because I will not talk about it.  You will just see my quiet withdrawal and limited engagement. Those are the warning signs that you let me down...I just begin to become vapor in your life.

I am not sure what to do about this whole thing anyway.  I know it is dysfunctional.  I know that I need to make better selections from the beginning, but how do you become comfortable with something that makes you super uncomfortable?  So far anyway, I have not been able to really change the discomfort into something more palatable.  And, I am trying.

I guess for me at this stage of life and the ongoing dating game, I can only just attempt to take into my awareness that it is hard to accept help and it is hard to have needs.  And this sets me up to be on a very negative trajectory from the word go.  And I have to withstand my own discomfort if I want anything good to happen in my life.

It is great to give love to people who need it.  But it is not good to set yourself up to love someone who is not capable of ever loving you back.  That is kind of like loving a cat.  Cats are totally cool with taking all the love you have to give, but their ability and willingness to give that love back is something that is quite mercurial and itinerant.  And likely to get you scratched.

For me, I am working with why a one way street seems like such an enticing avenue in the first place.  I need to figure out why I am interested in this, why do I sign up in the first place.  I guess because I really want to give love to people who need it.  And there seems to be a never ending supply.  But perhaps I need to be a bit more judicious in my beginnings and then perhaps I might end up with someone who is a little more capable of returning the love freely given.

Perhaps this is just another lesson in “when someone shows you who you are, believe them.”

I do not know why I feel the need to fight back on this one so much, but I really do seem to have a very hard time letting it all go. And allowing the knowledge I am given from the beginning to be the guide for me instead of a trap I fall into every single fucking time!

But not again, still.  I am doing it differently and better, mostly because I am taking the time to really see how I feel about things...and then allowing some time to pass, unbidden.  And then I am able to see all that I overlooked or missed before...and make better choices that are more likely to lead me to something that is longer lasting and more satisfying. At the rate I am going, I am going to need to live and date into my 100s...fuck, please God no! Please, if I don't get it in fairly short order, please for the love of God, please just let me quit!