Noticing Walks...

I am a walker.  Always have been really.  Even in high school, I would grab a dog and head out to somewhere.  Most afternoons, after school I would take my dog and go walk the woods alone.  It is something I have done the whole of my life.  But as I have aged, I have lost the connection to nature, the whole purpose for the walk.  I walk with others or I listen to music or to an audible.  I am “there” on the walk but my mind is occupied, involved in a way that makes me almost not really present...

And there is nothing wrong with walking in this manner.  This blog is not an indictment of walking while doing other things.  But on this vacation, I decided to take a walk the other morning, and I did what I usually do, grabbed my headphones - sadly no dog was here to also grab, but then I stopped and thought about it.  And I didn’t want to listen to anything, I just wanted to be in nature and stroll, untied to all the conventions of modern day living.  I wanted to forest bathe.  I wanted to walk in silence and just hear the sounds of nature.

So I did.

And that made me want to do it again the next day...

So now on my daily schedule is what I am calling a noticing walk.  Just me, no one else.  No AirPods, no phone calls, no podcasts or audibles.  Just me walking through my life, noticing what comes up as I walk on by. Turns out I am pretty sure my dog will be good for this also, since she is always wanting to stop along the way, but in my hurry to "get my exercise" I drag her along...perhaps now, I can do it differently?

On my first noticing walk, a lot came up.  A whole level of dissatisfaction with the way I am living currently.  The food I am eating, the shopping I am doing, the way I spend my time.  It is like some really dysfunctional part of me created my current schedule for living and it isn’t working for me, like at all.  I want to be IN my life, in all the moments and in all the ways.  And I can’t do that when I am so goal oriented.  And where walking is concerned, I do that for health benefits, so there is a cadence and pace to it, always (ask my dog, we stop for nothing...)

And I want to maintain my agility and balance as I age, so I don’t want to stop doing the 4 mile hikes each day but I also want to be more present and in my own life.  I have lived enough of my life ticking things off my to-do list.  And that has been productive and a good thing, all in all.  But now, with life fading, I want to relish the things I am doing and be as fully present as I can be.  And that is going to require some uncomfortable changes for me...I mean, change is uncomfortable even when it is sometime you identify you need and you want.

Before I left on vacation, except for appointment with others, I took everything off my calendar.  All the things I do every day and their scheduled order.  I deleted the entire series and have left it a blank canvas.  I have spent this time away thinking about what I want.  How exactly do I want to live?  I am one of those people who believes that if I want something to get done, just put it on your calendar and then do what your calendar says. No need to decide if you FEEL like doing it, just do the calendar.  And if you don’t want to do the thing, then DON’T put it on your calendar!

So I am ruminating (in mostly a good way) about what I want my life to look like when I get home...and I am not exactly sure yet, but luckily I still have a few days to sort through all of that.  For today, I am happy and content to travel north taking in the Redwoods and appreciating the beauty that is all around me.  Sharing that with my mom and spending time talking in the car, or playing Uno or cribbage, reading or taking a nap every afternoon. 

Turns out, I kind of like this slower pace.  I enjoy down time.  I enjoy being present and noticing my life in the discrete moments of minutes and seconds.  Life, as it turns out, isn’t all about the days...it is about each moment I choose to be present and available...

Again, still...