Fire Dooring...

In the context of dating, "fire dooring" refers to a relationship dynamic where one person consistently puts in more effort and gets little to no reciprocation in return. It's a situation where one individual is essentially used as a backup option or is only contacted when the other person needs something specific, like having someone to go out with.

The hallmarks of fire dooring:

One-sided effort:

One person consistently initiates plans, texts, or calls, while the other rarely reciprocates the effort or engagement.

Backup option:

The person being "fire doored" is essentially kept as a reserve option, only contacted when the other person needs someone for a specific purpose.

Unbalanced relationship:

This dynamic creates an imbalance where one person bears the brunt of the effort and the other person benefits from the relationship without investing much.

Difficulty ending:

Relationships with fire dooring can be difficult to end, particularly if the individual being "fire doored" has low self-esteem or feels attached to the relationship.

Importance of recognizing the pattern:

Recognizing the pattern of fire dooring is crucial to protect your own well-being and emotional health. It's best to cut ties as soon as you realize the dynamic is unhealthy.

Oh course, when laid out like this the thought naturally emerges...”why the fuck would you do this?”  But it happens.  Often, in the beginning, you don’t realize you are being utilized in this way.  Maybe the person is initially engaged but then begins the fire dooring thing.  So you keep hoping that it will turn sweet again, to a time when it felt more balanced and reciprocal.

Often times, though, when reviewed with the benefit of hindsight, you realize that the relationship was set up this way all along.   You were the one that went to them, you were the one that acquiesced, you were the person who did all the heavy lifting (if there even was any heavy lifting required - likely the “heavy lifting” was you just managing your spiraling conflicting emotions due to feeling so mistreated).

When you are fired doored you are just there in case of emergency.  I mean, not usually a true emergency, just used in case someone wants to make a speedy exit or has nothing else going on so they will use you and all your eagerness to quell the boredom, need for sex or companionship because you are offering it up so readily.

To me, the best thing you can do to combat getting fire doored is to ensure there is parity, reciprocity and a matching of effort in the relationship from the outset.  If you are early on and you are always waiting for a call that rarely comes, pay attention to that!  Someone who wants to spend time with you, will!  It doesn’t matter how great you feel when together, if the time you spend apart has you anxiously waiting for the next contact, feeling like you are out of power and the other person holds all the cards, then you are likely setting yourself up to be fired doored.

The other thing that is important to note is that someone who will fire door you is the person who can and will accurately assess how low your self esteem really is.  You may not feel like you are worthless, but when you look at how you show up in relationships, it might become painfully apparent.  When you don’t care about you, you allow others to treat you with disdain, and this almost always leads to a fire dooring situation.

When we are right sized, humble in our acceptance of the things about us that are good and the things in us that need work, we go a long way in securing ourselves from falling prey to this kind of treatment.  

Fire dooring doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships, it also happens in family and friend relationship.  Now that you know what it means...be on the lookout. 

I know for me, up until 2022, there was likely an element of this in many of my relationships.  I felt so lucky to be included or wanted, that I put up with a lot of shit that was subpar and substandard.  I didn’t even realize I had low self esteem. I just thought I had a bad picker.  But when your own worthiness is predicated on the value someone else gives you, you are always going to end up in the same relationship, different people.  When you don’t value you, no one else will either.

It was a very hard year but it changed everything for me.  I had to hit a bottom with all the fire dooring people in my life and walk away.  It was painful because regardless of how they treated me, I cared about many of these people deeply.

The end result was I had to do the work to improve my relationship with myself.  It wasn’t work I WANTED to do, but it was mine to do nonetheless.  Three years later and I feel like I do a much better job of assessing who someone is and how they show up.  If the effort isn’t reciprocated, then I just move along.  No need for a lot of drama, their lack of effort is really all the information I need.

I used to think that moving on was mean.  Now I know it is just a healthy response to someone who is not capable or willing to put forth the amount of attention, energy or interest in sustaining a relationship with me.

A word of caution, beware of the love bomber here, they are fire doorers just on a delayed delivery system.  They give you every bit of attention, affection and interest they can quickly and with intensity but it doesn’t last.  Anyone that is lavishing attention on you from the outset is likely a giant red flag waving. There are healthy ways to communicate interest that is proportional to the level of true intimacy you share with a person.  

Also, beware, sex muddies the waters and makes it very difficult to discern the true from the false.  If you have slept with the person too soon, you are likely going to be more or less invested as the case may be.  Women tend to invest more with the men they sleep with and men seem to value less that which comes to them too easily.  

There is no right and wrong here, just slow down enough to notice what it is you are likely to get back from what you are putting out there. Someone who is truly interested in you as a person, will accept a slower pace, the taking of time to get to know each other and will be only too happy to reciprocate your lovely efforts.

Fire doors are for crowded movie theaters when there is an actual emergency, don’t allow you intimate encounter to be created in likeness...