Gathering...

I have noticed, recently, a great skill in the gathering of one’s energy.  I guess, to some degree, it is a somewhat automatic process:  we summon the energy to rise out of bed each day, to persevere when life gets hard, to go on when we would rather not.  But I have noticed, again, fairly recently, that I can gather myself up, sweep all of my energy towards me and then direct it at a goal, an idea, a person, an animal, an intention.  And I suppose, again, I have been doing this my whole life.  But now I am doing it with intention. And that changes things, greatly.

What I have realized recently is that in this somewhat automatic gathering process, I missed the fact that my energy was fractured, spent or disseminated all over the place, thus the required gathering.    And once I noticed my energy splayed out all over the place, it engendered this idea to gather it.  Intentionally.

And so I have begun to do this...

I will give you an example.  Last night I got to speak to a crowd of people, as my time to speak grew nearer, I found myself feeling anxious, spent, disconnected from myself and source.  And I began to worry about what I might say, quite suddenly realizing that I had nothing at all to say on the topic I was supposed to be speaking on...but then I noticed that my energy was all fractured and blighted.  And so I took a moment to close my eyes, and gather it.  Summon it home if you will.

And quite suddenly, I felt fine.  I was no longer worried about this talk or the people or what they thought or what I said or didn’t say.  I was whole unto myself once more.  And so I had all of me to offer the group, instead of some splintered version of myself, the whole me, was able to be present and participate.

I saw, almost graphically, that all day long I had been engaging in discussions, relationships and society and that left me depleted, with this feeling of being hollowed out.  And that was not a good place to speak from...but while I sat there in front of these people, I just took a moment, a very brief moment to call back to myself all the parts and pieces of me that I had spent all day long, and like some sort of matrix like scene, the parts returned.  And then I was able to assimilate them in my being, and then share them with this new group of people, speaking and being from a place of wholeness.

I was no longer worried what they thought or didn’t think.  My job was not to impress them, my job was to be present, as fully as I was capable and to share myself and my experience with them.  It was life changing, for me. For them? Who knows!  They took from what I said, what they wanted or needed, I hope, and they left the rest.

So I have kind of fallen in love with this idea of gathering myself and plan to do it more.  To call back to me all the parts of me I have spent on others and things and work all day long and bring myself back to my center so that I can live my life more intentionally, more presently, more authentically.

So strange that I have never thought this before...after all these years, I have just been out there wasting myself on life and living when I could have been doing it all better.  But I didn’t know.  I really didn’t...until last night.

I deserve to walk through this life as wholly as I can and that is going to require a fair amount of gathering as I have a tendency to overextend, to overestimate myself and my energetic levels.  This calling back of me to me is vital, as it turns out.  And I find myself amused and just a touch sad that I didn’t see this before now.

But, as with most things in this life, I accept it wasn’t time for me to know this until last night.  And like all new ideas and concepts, I need to practice to make it more automatic, to change the default setting I seem to have to spend recklessly and with abandon, and instead think about conserving, and using my energy more wisely.  And when required, to call back all the parts of me I have laid waste to, and return to center.  To gather myself back and up and hold on just a fucking minute to allow all the parts of me to meld into each other.  Thereby allowing me to show up for this life more authentically, more genuinely and more presently.

It is a marvelous journey this whole living thing...and I perhaps a very good example of what not to do.  But, perhaps, maybe, that is changing, one tiny bit, one day at a time.

Again, still...